


Talons

by AppleTeeth



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Anteverse, M/M, Mind Control, Post-Canon, Seizures, TW: Suicide, tw: torture and manipulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2014-01-17
Packaged: 2017-12-31 23:52:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1037876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleTeeth/pseuds/AppleTeeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Newton waits anxiously for whatever evil kaiju superpowers he’s bound to get after the two Drifts, Hermann starts to have nightmares about the Precursors, calling him to reopen the Breach.</p><p>It's up to Newt to save the day, before the Precursors destroy Hermann from the inside out and restart the kaiju war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And in the dark it comes for me, malevolent and without form...

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this a while ago, after reading so many (brilliant!) fics where Newton is still attached to the hivemind, and I thought that out of the two, Hermann would be the more valuable to the Precursors with his knowledge of the Breach. (He knows how it works, after all.) Plus, who doesn't want Newt saving his man from the clutches of evil?
> 
> More warnings may be added as the story progresses, and there are some angsty parts I will warn you about. 
> 
> All chapter titles come from Talons by Bloc Party.

Newton had not shut up about it since the breach had closed. The celebrations that followed the cancelling of the end of the world were intense and beautiful, but it only took a few small glasses of the contraband hooch everyone had cracked open for Newt to start talking about kaiju super powers. Still bloody and dirty and his fingertips shaking like he was on his fifth double expresso, he had the attention of the only person who would possibly listen to him.

“Think about it. Our entire genetic makeup is so different to theirs it took me years to figure out their DNA code. And they communicate through a hive mind. Dude, we’re going to get scales any day now.”

Hermann, who had turned down his fifth glass because his vision was compromised, couldn’t stop himself from smiling. He was sitting on the floor next to Newton in a corner of LOCCENT, his lab partner having suggested that hiding was the best course of action. Hermann, though as overwhelmed and happy as the rest of the world, couldn’t have agreed more. Let the heroes rave until morning; the nerds wanted to discuss their proven theories with a level of smugness that would nauseate the rest of the Shatterdome. He saw Mako and Rayleigh briefly when they came back from being plucked out of the ocean, but they only stayed to share in a few hugs and handshakes before they too decided they wanted to spend some time alone, which nobody was going to deny them after what they had been through.

“Do tell, Dr Geiszler,” Hermann said, still trying to sound professional but there was a clear chipperness to his voice.

“Well, I’m just speculating here, but who knows what we’ve done by getting into their heads? The door could still be open; we could be starting to turn neon blue any minute now.”

Hermann “Hmmm”ed loudly and held up his hands to stretch them out for both of them to inspect. Newton, who had put his glasses on top of his head a while back, pushed them back down onto his nose to have a good look. They peered for several moments, as if waiting for something to happen.

“Nope, still pasty,” and Hermann laughed much louder than he intended to.

“Oh my god, Hermann, I never hear you this giddy! We need to save the world more often, buddy.”

Hermann rolled his eyes and accepted the sloppy hug Newton was pressing on him. He could kick Newton later, when he wasn’t feeling the effects of homegrown alcohol. He noticed the closer they were, the more it felt like they were in sync - the ghost effects of the Drift still rummaging around the back of their minds. It would be gone in a couple of hours, but for now it felt pleasantly comforting - like they finally had a whole to their two halves.

“I’m glad you came with me,” Newton said, his voice muffled in Hermann’s shoulder.

“It was my pleasure,” Hermann said honestly.

“I thought you hated me, I thought you just came to talk me out of it again…”

Hermann sighed and held Newton a little tighter. He had agreed to go with Newton, picking up a spare Pons helmets on the way to the helicopter, because he had to prove his theory right. The patterns in the attacks were so precise, he wondered how he hadn’t seen them before. He had to know if he was right and it was a triple event they were facing.

_You’re lying to yourself_ , he told himself scornfully. He had welcomed Marshall Pentecost’s order to find Newton with such relish, he barely thought about what he was doing. He just needed to find Newton and help him, because he couldn’t bear to hear Newton was dead from another single pilot Drift. One alone should have killed him, much less two when the hive-mind was now aware of his presence.

“I couldn’t let you do it alone,” he said, his voice soothing and quiet. It surprised even him how honest he sounded. Newton pressed himself even more into the warm comfort of the other man and their minds instantly eased. They could no longer see into each other’s minds but the feeling was similar.

“Thanks, Hermann. You’re the best co-pilot ever.”

“Check it out! The scientists are finally getting along!”

The sound of Tendo’s voice made both of them jump apart instantly and they looked up at him, still as well put together as ever, with the only obvious difference being his bow-tie was untied and the top button of his shirt open.

“Don’t stop on my account,” Tendo crouched down in front of them, a bottle of his own homemade schnapps in hand. He grinned and took a long swig, swaying slightly from the effort to stay upright whilst balancing on his toes. “It’s about time you two masses of unresolved sexual tension finally hooked up!”

“Mr Choi, are you quite done?” Hermann asked dryly.

“I’m not judging!” he said defensively. “What better time to get together than right now, when we just saved the goddamned world? You two look _adorable_ together.”

They then realised they were still holding hands and shook them apart like they were on fire. Tendo burst out laughing and pulled himself back up to standing position, moving onto the next people celebrating like nothing had happened at all. There was no telling he would even remember what he said the next day.

Newton pulled himself away from Hermann a little more and leaned back against the wall. He decided, instead of acknowledging what Tendo had said, that they should pick up their conversation where they left off. Hermann greatly appreciated him for it.

“But okay, what if we get wings? Like Otachi?”

“I doubt our bone density would allow us to fly--”

“Ah-bub-bub!” Newton said loudly. “Don’t ruin this. I know we _can’t_ but still, we might. And dude, that monster wanted me! Me! I’m still trying to process that.”

“You did perform a one-man invasion. And not a very quiet one.”

Newton’s eyes grew large. “What if they can still hear us?”

“Newton, please stop drinking.”

“Some of them might still be alive out there. We might still be connected to the hive mind.”

“Can you hear aliens inside your head? Correction, more so than usual?”

Newton shoved Hermann playfully. “No.”

“Well then. Wait for the wings to grow, then we’ll talk.”

Newton opened to mouth to speak, but, unable to think of anything, he decided to stand up instead. Hermann watched in amusement as Newton clutched to the wall a little too tightly, his head obviously spinning as he stood back up, looking like Bambi the way he wobbled on his legs. He finally found his footing and held his hand out for Hermann to grab onto. Hermann picked up his cane and used both that and Newt’s arm to steady himself. Newton wasn’t exaggerating his actions - that alcohol had gone straight to his head. When had they both last eaten?

“I think this was the Kaidonovskys’ stash,” Newt said, holding up the bottle of slightly smoky-looking water they had been handed hours before by one of the crews. He frowned and without a word, he poured some on the ground between his feet.

“I always liked their stories,” Hermann said sadly. “Sasha had a great sense of humour.”

Newton nodded. “And the big guy used to always threaten to pick me up like a toddler and spin me around until I was sick. He must have been two feet taller than me, dude.”

They were feeling a lot more sober at the thought of two people they would never see again. The party spirit suddenly drained from them, they started to walk back to their rooms, leaning on each other and talking about the people they had lost over the long duration of the war. Hermann had been there during the first Jaeger launch and Newton had joined soon after. It had been a long time since they hadn’t been scared about the thought of people they knew dying at the hands of destruction.

“I’m gonna get Gipsy Danger on my leg,” Newton declared. “She was there until the end and she saved me from Otachi. She can protect us from the kaiju that will haunt our fucking nightmares forever.”

“Unless you turn into a kaiju,” Hermann said, leaning against the door frame to Newton’s door, watching Newton struggle to pull at the hatch wheel.

“Yes. Unless that.”

Newton held open the door to his room, as if waiting for Hermann to follow him in.

“Good night, Newton,” Hermann said after a beat.

“Come on, man. We saved the world. We’re co-pilots now. Stay with me.”

It was that easy.

 

Nothing happened that first night - nothing that would get the gossipers of the Shatterdome excited, anyway. They talked for a little longer, had separate showers to get rid of most of the grime from the days’ events, got undressed down to their underwear and then curled up in the single bed as best they could. They would say they were too exhausted, but it was more likely they were too nervous to even try for a kiss. It would happen one day, they both thought to themselves, but not tonight.

Hermann suspected Newton to be the sort of person who would move about in their sleep, never comfortable and using the other person as a punching bag. In fact, once Newton was settled he stayed put, one arm dangling across Hermann’s stomach and their legs tangled. It was pleasantly welcome after years of living alone.

He tried to think through the haze of the last week or even the last twelve hours, but he was content and that was a feeling he had lacked for far too long. He took one more look over at the other man, sleeping soundly despite what they had done to get there, and closed his eyes too.

 

_He was trapped._

_Swirling somewhere in the void stretched out in front of him was a brilliant blue light. He first thought of the sea, the way it rippled and broke away before rejoining, never settling but never fading. But the closer he moved towards it - or it towards him - the more he recognised the colour, blazing through wide-open jagged mouths, glinting in soulless eyes, leaving trails on the ground behind its massive structure, killing everything it touched._

_The lights flooded his vision and it made him want to turn away from them. He realised, with a fear he couldn’t begin to comprehend, that he was being held very tightly. His hands were secured together behind his back, his legs were locked together and when he gasped in shock, he could feel restraints around his chest. Pain erupted from various points, sparking and rolling across his limbs which made the restraints seem all the more constrictive._

_Somewhere in the light, he heard a voice. It made sounds he would never be able to describe or repeat, and it should have been impossible to interpret. But the voice was in his head, filling his consciousness until he could hear nothing else._

_**This one’s brain works in the theoretical… the calculation of patterns and the unravelling of codes…** _

_He couldn’t see who was talking. He could feel their grip tighten and he gasped loudly, struggling to find a weak point so he could break free. His feet weren’t touching the ground and when he tried to look beyond the lights, he saw nothing but vastness. A familiar feeling of discovery filled him and he knew, he absolutely knew where he was. They were supposed to be gone; for their link to his world to have been taken with the bomb._

_He tried to speak, tried to scream for help, but he was so far from his world, so very trapped with the beings he had spent years trying to defeat. The one that had him trapped spoke once more, piercing through Hermann’s mind like it was slicing through the very flesh._

_****It understood our maze and it conquered it. It knew how to destroy our portal and it will soon know how to reopen it…** ** _

 

“Hermann! Hermann!”

The first thing he felt was the icy cold of the floor on one side of his body. He had his eyes tightly shut and it hurt to open them again. He felt something warm dripping down the side of his face and discovered, when he touched his fingers to his face, that it was blood pouring from his nose. The room was shaking around him and he slowly realised he was shivering violently, like his limbs were being electrified. Without much success, he tried to force his body to stillness. Newton pulled him up to a sitting position, his hands tightly around Hermann’s forearms, looking terrified to the point of hysterical.

“Hermann, are you okay?”

“Of course,” he said, although even he could hear he wasn’t. “It was just a bad dream.”

“You had a seizure.” Newton grabbed a corner of the duvet that had fallen to the floor with his bedmate and pressed it to Hermann’s nose.

Hermann wanted to argue but his head was still swimming.

“You started screaming, fighting me in your sleep like I was attacking you. Then you went all rigid and fell off the bed and started convulsing.”

_Just like I found you_ , Hermann thought but didn’t want to say out loud. He plucked the now red-stained cloth from Newton’s hand and used a clean section to wipe the sweat from his face.

“What happened?”

His mouth opened and he went to say exactly what he had seen, but the memory was gone. He remembered there were lots of lights and a voice and… nothing else.

“I don’t remember,” he said honestly. “It must have been something from the Drift. Maybe the same thing that made me throw up.”

He was trying to lighten the mood, because Newton was looking at him like he was one feather-touch away from collapsing again. Hermann tried to prove his health by standing up, but he stumbled on his bad leg that was still shaking from where he had landed on it. Newton grabbed his arm again and guided him back onto the bed.

“I should never have let you Drift with me,” he said angrily. “It was bad enough when I did it alone, but now--”

“I’m fine. And I volunteered. Don’t think heroism comes without consequences.”

Newt smiled at the word ‘heroism’. He sat down next to Hermann, draping an arm around his shoulders.

“We are heroes, aren’t we?”

“Of course we bally well are.”

Newton stood back up, but only to grab an antibacterial wipe that he normally used in the lab and hand it to Hermann. He thanked him and proceeded to wipe the rest of the blood off of his face.

“Please don’t scare me again, Hermie.”

He let the nickname slide this time, because he could not find the heart to yell at the man who was currently taking care of him.

“I’ll do my best.”


	2. Uprooting trees, destroying cars. Cold and relentless with arms outstretched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton and Hermann try to have a date (not that they would ever call it that); the monsters call to Hermann once more; Hermann has to admit something is wrong with him and tries to find answers from a specialist.

The second seizure happened one week later when they were out for lunch, the party finally over and Hong Kong starting to rebuild once more. They were embarking on one of their ‘not-dates’, which meant they would go out somewhere together but in no way act like it would lead to anything. It worked well for them as they both had no idea what they wanted to happen, other than be in each other’s company for a long as they could stand each other. They had spent so long fighting that it was hard to break through that wall and accept that they may just be friends. Or more. They didn’t want even want to speculate - they were still at that point where they thought it would only lead to disappointment.

Having noticed they were becoming almost inseparable, Mako asked Hermann one day what exactly was happening between them, and for that she was told, in all honestly, that he just didn’t know. 

“Oh. Well, you two look very sweet together. I’m glad you’ve finally made peace.”

Hermann had to admit that if someone like Mako noticed and approved of their growing relationship, then maybe they should decide what they wanted to be.

The only problem was, it was easier said than done when they were still processing the fact that they had, only eight days ago, been complete enemies.

“But have you considered the implications?” Newton asked Hermann as the waiter laid out their various bowls and plates of food. Hermann picked up his chopsticks and lifted the steamer lid, thanking the waiter in Cantonese, because Newton was still terrible with that particular language. 

“Of course I have. I’ve been thinking about it ever since the programme started. What worries me most is the military capabilities of the Drift. It would be the greatest weapon in finding out information from our enemies but it could so easily be abused.”

“How so?”

“Because what you see in the Drift are hard to interpret unless you know the person intimately. For example, someone could have the most vivid memory of a film they watched where someone was murdered. If you watch that in their mind and not know the reference point, you might think they witnessed, maybe even committed, a murder. And what about dreams? People remember dreams they had from when they were infants. If you Drift with someone you barely know and without their consent, you could imply all sorts of potential reasons to find them guilty of whatever crime you’re investigating.”

“Good thing you’re not selling, then,” Newton said.

“It’s not my patent to protect,” Hermann replied irritably. “Luckily, as it belongs to PPDC, it would be hard for one nation to lay claim to the weapons we developed over the years. But I’m sure certain private companies are trying to tempt them with money right now. Lord knows they’ve tried it before.”

They concentrated on their meals for a few quiet minutes, dishing up various items onto their plates and recommending to each other whatever they tasted. Over their time in Hong Kong, Hermann had grown fond of the congee that all the maintenance crews would live off of, whilst Newton would eat dim sum in all its forms every day, if possible.

“I never thought you’d be good with chopsticks,” Newton said matter-of-factly.

“Why? You think I’m so stuck up I’d never try ‘foreign food’?” He made the apostrophes clear in his tone of voice. 

“No, not like that, it’s just I think of Chinese food - back home, of course - as sloppy, fast food stuff you grab on an all-nighter. And you learn to use chopsticks instead of studying.”

“You think I’ve never been up all night before an exam? You’re the one who I always imagine to stroll into a classroom without a pencil and know all the answers without reading the required material.”

“Hey,” Newton pointed his chopsticks at Hermann, mouth full of prawn wonton. “I worked hard. Uh, most of the time.”

“I’m starting to think you faked those doctorates. You bought them online, didn’t you?”

Newton laughed a lot more than he meant to. “I wish! Man, that would have been easy. I bet I could have faked my way into the academy. Just turn up one day and ramble on about kaiju parts, make up some science-y words and boom! Head of biology.”

“So you’re saying that didn’t happen?”

“Naw, man, they headhunted me. Didn’t even have to walk in.”

Hermann shook his head with a roll of his eyes. 

“Don’t pretend it wasn’t the same for you. I know they dragged your ass out of Cambridge or Fartfeather-upon-Thames or wherever it was. I bet you cowered in the sunlight.”

“Like a bat,” Hermann nodded and then put his fist to his mouth to hold in a laugh. “And to conclude your questioning about the chopsticks, I learnt to use them when I was a child. Upperclass parenting means they want you to be cultured before you know how to wipe your own arse.”

“Could you imagine us meeting as kids? My parents were travelling musicians. Rock music, that is. My mom called us the Von Trapps on acid.”

“Maybe I could have advised you against some of your wackier life choices,” Hermann mused, nodded pointedly at Newt’s bare forearms resting on the tabletop.

“Oh please, this? That’s nothing, old man. Just wait until you see my cock ring.”

Hermann had just taken a long sip of green tea at the worst possible moment. He had to apologise as he helped Newton mop it off of his shirt. 

“Want to know if I’m joking or not?” Newt asked with the most exaggerated shit-eating grin. 

“I honestly don’t want to know, Newton,” he replied, still coughing slightly and stealing his friend’s glass of cola to clear his throat. He put his hand on the edge of the table because his head was spinning. Too much sugar in one gulp, he figured.

“I’m sorry, I’ll stop being an ass, I promise.”

“You-you… wouldn’t… be Newt… if...”

The words weren’t coming out. His mouth was numb and his entire body suddenly felt weighted, like it had turned to lead within seconds. He saw the room spinning and felt an arm catch his fall before he hit the ground hard, but his mind was already moving far away, leaving the comforts around him and landing in that nightmarish place once more…

 

_His vision was still spinning when he entered the other universe. He was being held tightly again - a vice-like grip that he was certain would crush his bones were he to struggle. Around him were voices, just like before, talking both about him and to him._

_**To regroup and rebuild is easy. It’s the question of the breach and how it will reopen it.** _

_Hermann was blinded by the blue lights; he couldn’t see his captures well enough to find out who they were, but he saw that as a blessing, remembering the fleeting glances at the monsters who created the kaiju he saw in the Drift. The language was far more complex than anything he had ever heard before. Sometimes he could understand it perfectly and sometimes he could hear what it sounded like to everyone else on earth. He would never be able to describe just how horrifying it was._

_**This one can… we enter the mind once more… lock on and work inside until nothing remains…** _

_He tried to speak up, to scream for help or just do something to get away but it was nothing more than a gasp. The grip tightened just the slightest and his mouth hang slack from the agony it caused._

_**We need more time… let it calculate and plot for us… Then we take our revenge…** _

 

Newton wasn’t shouting his name this time when he woke up - just murmuring words of comfort as he stroked his hair. Hermann was once again lying on his side, placed in the recovery position until the attack finished. He immediately wiped his nose and was appalled by how much blood was on his hand. He gasped like he was still being crushed and tried to sit up.

“Woah, steady there,” Newton said gently. “Stay down.”

“Is he all right?” a concerned voice asked from somewhere above and behind Hermann.

“Yeah, I think so. Thank you.”

Hermann looked up and saw he had an audience - everyone in the small and crowded restaurant was staring at him. He wished he could pick his moments better.

“Hermann, what happened?”

“Don’t remember,” he said, teeth gritted, head pounding. “They erased it all.”

“Who?”

He didn’t know why he said that. Hermann shook his head, closing his eyes and just wanting to get up so he could leave the crowded place. He had a sudden hatred of enclosed spaces.

Newton helped him to his feet but sat him down on the chair, helping Hermann drink some water and watching him very closely. When he didn’t break his stare, Hermann turned away from him.

“I’m fine, Newton. Stop mollycoddling me.”

“You’re not fine. You need to see a doctor.”

“How, exactly? I doubt anyone will be willing to see me with the state of the medical centres in Hong Kong.”

“The Shatterdome still has their doctor for the pilots…”

“I’m not a pilot!” he yelled. He massaged his forehead with his fingertips. “I’ll wait until I go back home, whenever that is.”

“Jesus, Hermann, it’s not remembering to pay your phone bill. There’s something seriously wrong with you. It could be epilepsy or brain damage following the Drift…”

“Oh good, so I’m now mentally incapacitated to go with this?” he shot back angrily, gesturing at his bad leg. 

Newton’s mouth was open but he didn’t say a word. Immediately Hermann regretted what he had said in the heat of the moment and felt like a spoilt child whining about his dessert. He didn’t ever complain about his problems - not even before he was surrounded by people risking their lives on a daily basis. 

He got up on shaking legs and headed out of the restaurant as quickly as he could manage, just wanting to go back to their temporary home and forget what had happened. 

After paying the bill, Newt caught up with him easily, skirting between the people in the street with shouts of “Sorry!” over his shoulder. He slowed down to a jog when he was alongside Hermann, who was still moving faster than was probably good for him.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just want you to stop collapsing and screaming like you’re on fire.”

Hermann stopped dead and Newton nearly bumped into him. He was screaming? But he wasn’t able to, was he? 

_No,_ Hermann thought, feeling confused. _None of that happened._

“I’m fine. It’s aftereffects of the Drift or maybe stress. Lord knows we’ve had enough of that. I’ll get a brain scan in the medical bay as soon as possible, all right, mother?”

Newton didn’t look convinced, but at least his face softened and he squeezed Hermann’s shoulder.

“Okay. But if we get thrown out of another restaurant, you’re paying the check.”

“Deal.”

 

With a little more nudging from Newton, he did agree to go to the Shatterdome doctor to find out if there was any long-lasting damage. He tried every possible angle to reassure Newton he wasn’t going to drop down screaming and convulsing every five seconds, but it was hard to say when he himself was scared of doing exactly that.

The only medical doctor still stationed at the Shatterdome was an expert in cognitive science, as one of the most important parts of maintaining the Jaeger pilot’s health was to recognise issues with the Drift and to see if it wasn’t causing long-term effects. So out of everyone, she should have had the answers to what was causing the attacks. 

“You should have come to me the second you performed that ridiculous kaiju Drift experiment,” Dr Lin said angrily. “You and Newton.”

“Sorry,” he said, standing beside her to look at his own brain scans. “I think the adventure got the better of the both of us. So, what is your diagnosis?”

“No infections, no meningitis, no stroke, no tumors, blood sugar is normal, not even a high fever,” she ticked them off on her fingers. “If those old Pons helmets electrocuted you during the Drift you would have a hell of lot more to show for it. Perhaps stress, but there is nothing to indicate you’re even remotely anxious. Hell, you should have been convulsing a lot sooner were it the case. I’m sorry, your guess is as good as mine. I’ll prescribe you medication to keep them under control and I’ll try to run more tests, but I’ll be honest, I’m probably about to lose my position here, what with no more pilots to take care of.”

“Aren’t we all?” Hermann asked with a smile. “I appreciate you taking the time to look into this.”

“Not a problem. Tell Newt to come down immediately. I lose the MRI machine to a local hospital on Wednesday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone reading this!


	3. No Bolt, nor brick, nor crucifix can hold it back.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann starts to sleep in Newton's room, and there they discuss their collective futures.

Despite Hermann’s insistence that he was fine - now with backing from a medical doctor - Newton was still worried. In his need to keep checking on him and their growing relationship, he spent more time with Hermann than he did concentrating on his work or finding suitable employment. The last of the world’s Shatterdomes and the final post of the PPDC was closing around them, friends leaving daily and entire departments closing shop. 

The word was Rayleigh and Mako were being asked to tour the world to recount their story about their battle in Hong Kong and the final mission. There was no doubt they would be recognised the world over for the rest of their lives, which had to be daunting to anyone. They probably would tell their story one day, but a few days ago, with little ceremony or farewell, they headed to a quiet cottage in Tanegashima to recover and probably get to know one another post-Drift, just like Hermann and Newt were trying to do. Nobody could blame them for wanting to be alone.

Meanwhile the K-Science work was winding down to final reports and possible contingencies and the two scientists had to make plans for their future. It seemed they had decided, without saying anything on the matter, that they wanted to stay together in whatever capacity they finally settled on. 

Newton would definitely be sought after to explore more into the anatomy of the kaiju and their hivemind, but when it wasn’t for tactical military purposes, he wondered if he would just end up working in an (un)natural history museum somewhere in the world, relegated to the other fossils. Whilst he was certain it wouldn’t be the worst life, he still didn’t know what purpose he would have if just to describe to the next generation that one time humans fought monsters. 

Meanwhile Hermann could carry on his research into the very nature of the Breach, but it was closed and his theory had been proven. He just had to write up the thesis and see who wanted to publish it, then it was back to untested theories. People may ask him how he can be sure the Breach would never open again, but that was something he just couldn’t calculate - not when the door opened from the other side. 

During another of their ‘non-dates’, they both decided teaching was their best bet, as it was something they were both familiar with and it was steady work as opposed to research or the lecture circuit. Whilst heading up their own research team would be nice, they didn’t see how, outside of their cluttered shared laboratory, any facility would find a way for them to work together.

At some point, without discussion or request, Hermann started sleeping in Newton’s room. One night, he simply didn’t leave and Newton didn’t say a word when he fell asleep on his bed, curled up next to him. It was crowded and full of books on animal biology, dinosaur toys and more gadgets than one man should really keep whilst being moved from coastline to coastline at the drop of a budget. Despite all this, it felt homely and familiar, like an extension of his time spent in Newton’s mind. Hermann might complain about the mess but he would rather be there than his neat, barren room. The world wasn’t ending and it was a hard concept to cling on to when facing it alone.

In the same vein, Newton enjoyed having someone with him through the long nights alone, when he could so easily look at his chaotic personal space and start to hate it. Even though Hermann insisted he sort out his things and clean up once in a while, it was exactly what Newton needed to feel whole.

“You’ve changed,” Newton informed him smugly, his arm around Hermann’s shoulders as they looked up at the chipped ceiling from the comfort of their too-small bed. They were in their boxers, lounging about and talking before they would turn in for the night. It had become a sort of ritual between them.

“Have I?”

“Dude, you _smile_ now. And you don’t yell at me nearly as much. It’s like someone pulled that stick out of your ass the minute the Breach closed.”

Hermann contemplated that, and he took so long to throw an insult back Newton turned to him worriedly.

“I mean… uh, I’m sorry--”

“No, it’s fair.” And he smiled again, because now that Newton had noticed he was doing it, he enjoyed doing it all the more. “I suppose when the world is crumbling and your only company throughout the day is a squeaky-voiced, overzealous kaiju groupie, you have to put walls up.”

Newton nudged him playfully, but knew he had more to say, so he didn’t interject. 

“I’d seen so many Jaegers fall, seen entire cities get destroyed, where people were too poor to make it to the safe zones because conveniently those in charge have raised the price of housing to beyond extortion.” He shook his head angrily. “Do you know the very day they recommended the evacuation of the Pacific coastline, the entire EU closed its borders? The bastards. I had to find a way to cope, just like you did. Turning inwards is my way of coping.”

“I get that,” Newton nodded. He grinned, “Would you say I’ve calmed down?”

“Oh, beyond a shadow of a doubt!” Hermann said loudly. He glanced over at Newt who raised an eyebrow, not interjecting because he wanted to see him dig himself out of that hole. “Well, I mean, you’ve certainly improved in terms of keeping your ego under wraps. You now seem less inclined to throw your weight around, like you’ve got something to prove. You’ve humbled.”

“It’s kinda hard to keep that momentum up when my theory nearly got me killed. Twice,” he admitted. “And what have we got to prove now, when both our theories helped save the world?”

“True,” Hermann nodded. His brow furrowed suddenly and he pushed himself up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, rubbing his forehead furiously.

“You’re getting headaches now,” Newton noted. He sat up and rubbed Hermann’s shoulder in comfort

“I’m fine.”

“You’ve got to stop saying that. I don’t care if it’s something you don’t want to admit to because it makes you feel weak; you can still tell me if you want me to grab you an aspirin.”

“Fine, get me an aspirin,” he said, both hands covering his face now, leaning into the darkness as even the dim lights in the room were starting to blind him.

“And lay back down on the bed, right by the wall,” Newton said as he hopped up to head to the bathroom down the hall to get water. “If you’re about to have an attack, I don’t want you falling on the floor again.”

“For goodness sake, you are worse than my physiotherapist,” he called after him as the door slammed shut. Still, he did as he was told and curled up his body as he laid back down on the bed, his back against the cold wall. 

He could feel his skin prickling, signalling that it was about to sweat profusely, holding his arms to his chest now as he tried to stop them shaking. His head was starting to swim, like he could feel the entire world go off balance and gravity getting stronger. He clenched his teeth and his fingernails embedded into his palms in an effort to stop the next attack. 

This couldn’t keep happening, the doctor herself had said there was nothing wrong with him! Why was he having these attacks and why could he not remember what happened when he slipped into unconsciousness?

His eyes grew heavy and fluttered closed, and before he could call for Newton to come back, he was drifting away once more.

 

_His fears regarding the attack were replaced instantly with one of real horror. He opened his eyes to find he was back in the world of the Precursors. At once, he remembered his last encounters and their plans for him, the tentacles crushing him in their grasp as it all came flooding back like a shot in the head._

_“I won’t!” he gasped, and the end of the tentacle snaked around his bare neck. It constricted just enough for his next attempt at speech to be a silent cry, like a newborn bird opening and closing its mouth in distress._

_The monsters surrounding him discussed the plan, settling on the perfect way to latch on long-term, ignoring the human’s silent pleas and embedding themselves in even more than before, worming their way in like parasites, latching on to what he feared the most and making it feel oh so real…_

 

Hermann woke with a strangled scream, nearly punching Newt in the face as he tried to dislodge himself from an unknown force.

“Sshh, it’s okay, I’m here.”

He collapsed into Newt’s arms without hesitation, his body shivering from the sweat dripping down his neck, arms and back. He tried this time to focus on what he had seen and heard during the episode, desperately clinging for some way to remember what had made him so scared.

“Why does this keep happening?” he whimpered, burying his face into his friend’s neck, tears burning the corners of his eyes.

“I don’t know, I really don’t,” Newt said honestly, running his fingers through the short hairs at the back of Hermann’s head. “What did you see? Was it a nightmare?”

“I… they…” he took in a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves before he spoke again. By then it was too late and the memories were erased once more. “No.”

He pulled back and saw he had left a red patch on Newton’s shirt. Putting his hand to his nose, he accepted the handful of tissues to clean himself up with. The headache was worse than before now and he had to lie down again before he simply fell to the ground in exhaustion.

“Look, I know you don’t want to think about it in this way, but maybe we can find you a therapist?”

“Do you honestly think this is all in my head? That I’m somehow making this happen?”

Newt shrugged, passing Hermann even more tissues without prompt. “Not exactly, I mean I know it can’t cause the seizures themselves, but what it contributed to the problem? You seem to have these horrific nightmares before each one, like your body can’t physically handle whatever you’re seeing. The brain can do crazy things to people, especially after long periods of crises. The world has been at war for over a decade and you’ve been on the front line almost since the beginning. You don’t think that might cause PTSD?”

Hermann wanted to argue - of course he did - but he had no other explanation. He had been one of two people on the entire planet to see into the minds of the enemy and now he was screaming in his sleep and he was suffering seizures. It surely had to be related.

And then he had a powerful, angry thought flood his mind, drowning out all others in the process.

_Why would I need therapy when I’m perfectly healthy?_

“The doctor said I’m fine. There’s no cause for them to worry so what good will therapy do?”

Newton looked at him oddly, and Hermann realised too late that his tone had been dripping with condescension. Much like it used to be before the clock stopped. 

“It’s just a suggestion...”

“Well it will be probably do you good to keep your opinions out of other people’s affairs, Doctor Geiszler.”

He found himself walking out of what he now considered to be their room, marching back to his room and slamming the door shut. When the sat down at his desk, his body crumbled and he felt like he had just ran a marathon.

Why had he just done that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of it so far! :D


	4. And when it comes it will feel like a kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton still wants to help, despite Hermann is pulling away from him. This becomes increasingly hard, especially when Hermann keeps talking to him like they are once again at each other's throats...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit of a long chapter, but it's probably one of my favourites. And yes, things are going to get a lot tougher for them until it gets better.

Newton kept his distance in the lab the next morning, not wanting to cause his friend any more stress, even if that was the exact opposite of what he was trying to accomplish. He was now constantly worried about Hermann’s condition and he could not let go of the fact that it was his theory and his shtty Pons system that had caused it to happen. 

Even though it had been one outburst - barely anything to get upset about when Hermann had every right to be stressed - it felt an awful lot like how they used to talk to each other. He suspected the high that came with saving the world might crash at some point, so it wasn’t like he was unprepared for Hermann to slip back into his annoyance of him. Hell, Newton was surprised they had lasted as long as they had. 

He did however want to keep helping Hermann with his medical problem, even if the help was unwanted. Newton knew he was stubborn to the point of bothersome on a good day, so he might as well use his powers for good once in a while.

He made strong coffee for both of them - remembering that whilst Hermann frequently drank tea, he always had coffee in the morning - and set one mug right by Hermann’s computer. He took a step back, not wanting to speak up but also not wanting to leave his lab-mate’s side just yet.

Hermann peeled his eyes away from his computer and glanced at the cup. His eyes were soft, possibly even downright apologetic.

“Thank you,” he finally muttered as he picked up the chipped cup and took a sip.

“Did you sleep okay?” Newton asked, trying to sound as casual as he could manage.

“Yes, thank you.”

It was a bold lie, when Hermann suspected he looked like he was at death’s door. He spent the night wide awake, thinking of nothing but those blank moments in his memory between falling asleep and waking up with a nose bleed and an aching headache, like someone had been scratching inside the very walls of his skull. He tried to convince himself there was nothing to remember and blackouts were one of the most common symptoms of seizures, but it still made him terrified nonetheless. That feeling of blank time passing reminded him of when he had multiple surgeries and he would count back from ten, then moments later wake up dazed and sore, aware and yet not aware hours has passed in-between. 

“You can take a nap in my room, if you want,” Newton said kindly. “I won’t let Hansen know.”

“Thank you, Newton, but I’m--”

“A synonym for fine?”

Hermann turned to look over at Newton who was smiling warmly.

“I suppose I am parroting myself far too much.” He finally let decorum slip and put his elbows on the desk in front of him to rub his face, pushing his glasses away so they swung on the chain around his neck. He felt fingers dig into his shoulder blades, kneading firmly but with great care. 

Hermann groaned thankfully and folded his arms on the table, leaning his head into the makeshift nest so he could expose more of his aching back.

“I’m told that I missed a profession by not becoming a masseur.”

Hermann only moaned in response, his voice slightly warbling as Newton rubbed his back vigorously. 

“But then, of course, I wouldn’t have got to study kaiju and see into their minds and get stabbed in the nostril by a gangster or see the said same ganster get eaten by a baby kaiju and meet you and get to touch you this much and--”

“There is no way,” Hermann interrupted loudly, “anyone would be able to put up with your yammering, even if you are a bloody good masseur.”

“You’re very welcome,” and Newt kissed the top of Hermann’s head.

 

Hermann drifted off to sleep with the help of Newt’s massage not long after, resting his head in his arms on the desk like it was the most comfortable position in the world. Newt found his oversized parka and draped it over him, not about to try to move him to his room or just the old couch in the corner of the lab. Newt kept on eye on him whilst he got to work on the few samples he had left, the rest having been either studied within an inch of their life or put into storage until Newt figured out where he were going next in the world. 

Three hours later, just when Newt thought he’d better wake Hermann up so he didn’t miss lunch, he heard small, keening noises coming from the other side of the lab. Newt looked up, pulling out his one earbud playing music and heard it again, this time louder. His heart sank. Hermann shifted suddenly, gasping in shock like he had just woken up, but he was still very clearly asleep.

Newt pulled off his gloves and headed to the other side of the room, scared of the looming attack and preparing to catch Hermann if he fell off of his chair. Hermann began to struggle in his sleep, calling out for help with a weak, frightened voice that made him sound fragile and child-like.

“No… no stop it… please…”

“Hermann, it’s okay, I’m here, just calm down, you’re just dreaming…”

Hermann was getting louder, shouting for help and twisting in his seat until Newt had to steady it firmly. His eyes were still closed but he looked frantic.

“Please don’t take him… no… I don’t… it’s not right… it’s not what happened… please… please don’t take him…”

“Hermann, wake up man, come on,” Newton pleaded, shaking Hermann by the shoulders desperately. “Don’t have another attack, please, just wake up right now!”

Newt looked on aghast as, again, he watched as Hermann stopped shouting all of a sudden and his whole body convulsed violently. Newt helped him slide out of his chair safely and onto the ground, turning him over onto his side, loosening his top shirt buttons and cradling his head gently to stop it hitting the hard floor. 

The attack latest barely thirty seconds and Newt should have been used to them by now, but he was only getting more scared every time. There was no reason for them to occur when he didn’t have any symptoms or even that the same wasn’t happening to Newt following their Drift. Doctor Lin had prescribed Hermann medication to stop the seizures or at least make them less violent but it clearly wasn’t working. 

Hermann woke up with his head in Newton’s lap, hearing soft words of comfort with more than a tinge of desperation. He immediately wiped his upper lip and nose with his sleeve but trying to sit up seemed to exhaust him.

“I don’t even remember that one starting,” Hermann said after a while.

“You were asleep.”

Hermann heard the unmistakable sound of Newton sniffing and he rolled over awkwardly to look up and see him wipe his eyes carefully, his glasses flecked with water on the inside.

“I’m sorry I keep scaring you,” he told him softly.

Newton shrugged, using his palm now to rub his eyes, glasses in his hand. “Nah man, it’s okay. You just scream for help so much and I keep trying to wake you up but it’s useless… I just wish I could stop them. What are you dreaming about that’s so terrifying your body can’t handle it?”

“I wish I could remember,” Hermann said honestly. 

“You kept saying, ‘Please don’t take him’. Did you lose someone once?”

Hermann shook his head in confusion and tried to think what would make him say that. 

“Only the people in the Jaeger programme, and some were good friends, like Dr Lightcap and the Kaidonovskys, but not… Well, _maybe_ enough to have nightmares about them, but they died in battle. They died heroes and as much as I mourn them I know why they did it. And if I was going to start having nightmares about the hundreds of people I’ve seen die in this war, why now?”

“You had your work to distract you, though. That’s why we got on each other’s tits so much. We only focused on our work and not what was happening around us. Dude, you crashed into LOCCENT to tell Stacker I had Drifted with that kaiju brain like it was the only important thing in the entire world!”

Hermann finally pushed himself up into a seated position, turned away from Newton.

“Well, it was important.”

“Damn straight it was,” Newton chuckled. He hooked an arm around Hermann’s shoulders and turned so he could hug him to his chest. Hermann accepted it with little resistance, and rested his head on Newton’s shoulder. “Maybe we need to find you some more distractions?”

Hermann coughed awkwardly.

“Not like _that_... I mean, unless you want to? Maybe not right now when you’re condition is erratic. But I meant your work. Are there any theories you put on the backburner?”

Hermann tried to think, still held tightly in Newton’s arms who seemed unwilling to let go just yet. He shrugged unhelpfully and sighed.

“I’ll dig through my papers from before the war. I’m sure they were important to me then.”

“Good idea. Hey, do you want to grab lunch? I can bring it if you’re not feeling up to walking…”

“I’ll be fine.” And to prove his point, he clambered to his feet, his cane clutched in one hand and holding Newton’s arm tightly with the other. “Just don’t mother me in front of others; it makes me feel like you’re my doctor.”

“I’m not promising anything - not if you fall asleep face-first into the lunch-tray.”

Hermann was oddly quiet as they made their way down to the canteen, though Newton didn’t ask as the man was probably still recovering from the last attack. Finally, Newton felt a hard shrug from Hermann and realised he had been holding his arm the entire way. 

“Sorry,” he muttered and they walked into the canteen with more than a little distance between them. Hermann walked ahead and found the back of the line, which nowadays was a lot shorter than usual, whilst Newton hung back, not wanting to do anything to offend the other man. He was now finding himself constantly checking his own behaviour, as if he was being judged a lot more than when the two scientists were at each other’s throats over the simplest of things.

He realised, as he got in line two people behind Hermann, that he just didn’t want to hurt him any more than his own body was doing. Newt usually possessed the social awareness of a house fly, but he couldn’t bear to add more discomfort when Hermann was currently sick and most likely getting worse. It was Newton’s fault Hermann had gone into the Drift with a kaiju and now it seemed he was the one paying the price.

Newton took his time at the vending machine, picking from the very lengthy choices of awful coffee with or without that fake milk stuff and settled on without before finally picking up his tray and sitting opposite Hermann.

“What cha writing?” Newton asked, looking down at Hermann’s scrawl on a napkin. The Shatterdome napkins were harder than kitchen towels, which actually made them good writing materials - probably more so than the actual paper they got issued. 

“An idea,” Hermann said through the corner of his mouth. 

“Anything I’d--”

“No,” Hermann said shortly. “Just let me work?”

Newton nodded and was quiet as he ate his lunch. To be fair, he hadn’t exactly eaten with Hermann much before the clock stopped. He wouldn’t know if Hermann worked through his lunch too, although he did recall more than a dozen times Hermann sitting at the Kaidonovskys’ table - speaking in Russian with them and looking a lot more relaxed than he did in the lab. It was hard to know what was abnormal behaviour when Newton was realistically only just getting to know him intimately. 

Hermann continued writing until long after Newt had finished his food, and his was stone cold.

“Come on, eat something. Your idea can wait,” Newton said kindly, putting a hand on Hermann’s arm.

“Dr Geiszler, would you please do me the honour of leaving me alone long enough to conduct my work? Or must you bother me even when we’re out of the laboratory?”

“I was just trying--”

“Well don’t,” Hermann snapped as he shrugged Newt’s hand off of him sharply, not even looking up, the pen in his hand still moving at the same speed. “Go bother someone else.”

Newt opened his mouth to respond but then thought better of it. He wanted to argue back but he had no will in him. He simply got up and left the room.

Hermann looked up suddenly, the pen frozen in his grip and felt like a wave made of ice had washed over him. Newton was gone, and it was due to something he said. He only had a vague idea of what he had said to him, like he was recalling a dream, or he had been extremely inebriated at the time. He went to call for Newton but he was already long gone. 

His eyes went back down to the napkin and he read through what he had written, confused by what he saw to the point of frightened. Before he could read through the entire theory, he had picked up his pen and started writing once more. His thoughts for Newton vanished within seconds, and his mind was focused on his work. 

The rest of the day, he wouldn’t say a word to Newton, and he would brush off any invitations to converse with him. In Hermann’s mind, Newton was back to being a mild annoyance.

Were Hermann completely himself, he would have suspected something was wrong when Newton respected his wishes to be left alone. 

 

Around two in the morning, Newton got a knock on his bedroom door. It took him a while to answer, having only just fallen asleep with the aid of some experimental indie-rock, so when he finally trudged to the door, he didn’t know what to say to who was standing outside.

“May I come in?” Hermann asked, head bowed, looking like a kid who had been forced by his parents to apologise to the neighbour for kicking a ball through their window.

“Of course,” Newton said, stepping to one side, one hand scratching the back of his neck whilst the other gestured Hermann in. “You don’t have to ask, dude.”

“I’m sorry about today,” he said as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “I think my work caught up with me.”

“Well, I said you needed a distraction,” Newton said cheerfully. “Don’t mention it.”

Hermann looked at his hands nervously, as if he couldn’t look anywhere else. “Can I… um… That is to say…?”

“Again, you don’t need to ask. Stay with me.”

They slipped under the covers like they had been for weeks, like it was the most normal thing in the world, but in truth they were both still terrified at the prospect of what they might do once they were close enough. They were lying side by side, pressed up close due to the size of the bed but they were still treating the situation like they were friends at a sleepover forced to co-ed. 

They still didn’t know how to act like two people who, in all honestly, wanted to be together in whatever capacity they could manage.

“Are you cold?” Newt asked.

“Hm, a little,” Hermann said, trying to tuck his toes under the thin duvet.

“Here,” and Newton reached under the bed for a spare blanket he kept for these situations. He dragged it over the both of them, and as his arm draped over Hermann’s body, he realised just how physically close they were.

Herman noticed it too, thinking about how he had hoped for an opportunity like this for a while, and how he always shirked away if he saw it coming. Sometimes it was just easier to brush off all encounters like the war hadn’t ended, and the thought of one another together was a big joke. Newton still hadn’t removed his arm, his body curved around the other man’s and their faces for once at the same height. 

Neither knew who reached across first, but it was a shock for both of them when their lips met. It was hard and forced to start with, but within seconds they softened their actions and it felt like welcome relief to finally be truly intimate.

They sank further into one another, lips now parting as Newt pulled away the blankets and rolled on top of Hermann. He started to make a sound, to ask if he was hurting Hermann, but he was cut off when Hermann threaded his fingers through his hair and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. Their bodies were flush together and Newton put his hands on Hermann’s hips so they moved together to a fast rhythm. It was heated and messy but slow at the same time, trying for patience and sensitivity but overcome by want. 

Newton was reaching down to Hermann’s boxers, trying to ease his fingers under the waistline without looking at what he was doing. Hermann had started to rock the other man’s hips, rutting against him shamelessly, begging him through motions to do the dead and do it quick. When he felt Newton’s fingers wrap around his cock he gasped into the man’s mouth, screwing his eyes shut and shaking his head slightly.

“Sshh,” Newton said, pulling back just enough so he could look down. His fingers moved slowly but firmly, twisting just enough to be perfect. “Is this okay?”

“Let me, let me--” Hermann said breathlessly.

“It’s okay, I’ll get my turn later,” and he grinned because it was so rare to see Hermann undone like this.

“No, I mean-- God… Newton… I mean…” and Hermann put a shaking hand on top of Newton’s that was working so well on him. 

His next words made Newton shiver in excitement.

“I want you to do this while you fuck me.”

“Really?”

He nodded and kissed Newton again. “I think I’ve been fantasising about it ever since our drunken night when the Breach closed.”

“Wow, okay, then I can definitely accommodate,” he laughed. “Uh, but first, let me do what I’ve been fantasising about since... I honestly don’t remember.”

Hermann went to ask what precisely he meant by that, before he watched Newton shuffle down the bed until he was kneeling between his legs. 

“Newt--”

“Hush,” Newton said with a big grin on his face, “Like you haven’t wanted to find the perfect way to shut me up ever since you met me.”

Hermann barked out a laugh which turned into a loud gasp as Newt pulled down his boxers to his ankles and then threw them aside. He shifted awkwardly, because the scars on his leg were now clearly visible (not that Newt hadn’t seen them before, but never in such an intimate moment) but Newton ran a gentle hand down them; cherishing them rather than pitying them. 

He was slow and delicate - two words that Hermann never associated with Newton until now - kissing the tops of his thighs and twisting his wrist at the base of his cock just enough to make him curse under his breath. He took his time with his different strategies; licking the tip, swirling patterns on the underside and breathing hot air onto it. Finally, just as Hermann was begging for Newton to _just fucking do it already_ , he hollowed his cheeks and took it in his mouth, still moving his tongue and now humming some tune Hermann didn’t recognise. Not that he was concentrating on that particular part of Newt’s work. 

“Dear God…” Hermann breathed as his hips lifted without command, “I need to shut you up more often.”

Newton’s laughter was even more intense than his humming and Hermann couldn’t help but rake his fingertips through Newton’s already messy hair, trying to convey how much he was enjoying the sensations. His whole body was numbing and yet he felt overly sensitive, like Newton only had to touch him a little more and he would faint. His head started to swim and the thought it was the inevitable building up inside him. 

But then he felt something familiar and his blood turned to ice. 

_No, not now, not with him, please let me stay with him… Give him back… please..._

 

_“Give him back!” Hermann screamed to the monsters around him, holding him once more tightly in their grasp._

_**It’s fighting our influence.** _

_**Take more.** _

_“No! No, no stop!” he cried, and a slimy tentacle draw across his mouth, sealing it shut and forcing Hermann’s protests to become nothing more than whimpers._

_**It will work more on the plan, and it will do so without any more distraction. Take it all.** _

_Hermann felt them working into his mind; worming in like weeds pushing through even the smallest of cracks. He was helpless to stop them, no matter how much he tried to block out his most precious of memories._

_Oh God, Newton, I’m so sorry…_

 

“Oh God… Oh God, Hermann, I’m sorry…” Newton cried, holding his friend’s head in his lap, stroking his hair because he feared if he didn’t he might punch the wall until the bones in his fingers broke. He knew Hermann was still sick and he had to look after him, but he wasn’t thinking when they kissed. He was now certain he wasn’t helping his friend to recover - he was only making matters worse.

Hermann awoke with a groan, immediately pushing away the hand on his head. He put one hand over his nostrils as the other pushed himself up so he was sitting on the bed. 

“Hermann, lie back down, I’ll take care of that, don’t worry.”

Hermann looked over at Newton curiously, wondering why he was in his room. He then looked around and saw - from the ridiculous monster posters to the pile of creased laundry on his desk - that he had to be in his lab partner’s room. 

“Is this some sort of joke?”

“Hm?” Newton asked, returning with a damp face-cloth he had prepared earlier for just that situation. He handed it to Hermann who snatched it out of his hand. He wiped his face irritably, then, seeing he was undressed under the blanket that had been hastily thrown over him, he pulled up his boxers with a tired sigh. 

“I appreciate you have the mental maturity of a ten year old, but do you think you could refrain when I’m clearly busy?”

“Busy…?” Newton asked blankly. He shook his head in confusion. “I’m not following, Hermann.”

“And since when did I give you permission to call me by my first name? We’re not friends, I’d say we were barely even acquaintances.”

Newton looked like someone had just punched him in the gut. “Wait, but…”

“We are colleagues, so call me Dr Gottlieb if you must talk to me at all. Now, if you don’t mind, this has been _hilarious_ , but I’m going back to my room.”

He shoved past Newton with more than a little force, picking up his cane from where he had dropped it casually earlier and excited the room without another word.

Hermann slammed the door to his room. How dare Newton pull pranks on him? Did the man not know what important work he was trying to complete?

_But we already completed the work. We saved the world._

He shook his head, as if trying to release an irritable bug that had flown into his ear. No, they were still working. 

_You risked your life Drifting with Newton and you found out you were compatible. You love him._

That wave of ice washed over him once more as he realised just what he had said and why none of it made sense. 

“Oh Newton, what did I just say to you?” Hermann asked himself. That last conversation didn’t feel real - as if he had just awoken from a nightmare.

He gasped suddenly and his legs gave way like someone had kicked him in the back of the knees, feeling as if someone was ripping every vein in his body out of him. He clawed at his own scalp, trying to stop whatever was happening to him from the inside until he was lying curled up on the floor, panting like he had run a marathon.

“Get out!” he cried. “Stop making me do this!”

He knew the seizure was coming; he knew because he was conscious and he remembered what they temporarily erased from his memories every time he woke up. He was fighting them but it wasn’t enough - he knew they had worked their way in too deep. 

 

Newton had followed Hermann back to his room, so shocked by what Hermann had said he felt in the mood to scream at him under his throat was sore. He felt that way, but in all honesty he was terrified by his sudden mood swings. They were so drastic, it was like he was speaking to two different people. Mostly, he just wanted to know what was wrong with Hermann and how he could help. 

He heard screaming as he reached the door and shut his eyes in dismay. Another seizure. Two in such a short space of time had to be bad. The attacks were becoming more and more frequent, and that only meant Hermann’s condition was getting worse. He tried to open the door, and when he found it was locked he hammered on it to try to maybe wake Hermann up, even though he knew his efforts made little difference.

And then he heard Hermann screaming, seemingly to himself.

Newton listened to the Hermann’s pleas for help from invisible forces from the other side of the door. Then, as quickly as they had come, they were gone once more and Hermann’s room was silent. 

“Hermann! Hermann, please, open up!”

Several minutes later, Newton’s fist now bruised from his frantic pounding, the door opened and Hermann looked at Newton in utter fury. He had a handkerchief pressed to his nose and his other hand was shaking as it clutched his cane. 

“Dr Geiszler, do you know what time it is?”

“Hermann, please, I heard you--”

“You heard what?” he snapped. “Are these more of your pranks? You do realise the entire Shatterdome thinks of you as nothing more than an idiot child, hm? An over-sugared toddler who thinks he’s funny?”

Newton opened his mouth to plead with his friend, but he knew, for now, nothing would work. There were much stronger things at play, and he wouldn’t be able to help him.

“Uh, nothing. Sorry.” He waved a hand in defeat as he turned to walk away. The door slammed shut within seconds, and Newton was left alone to consider just what was happening.


	5. And I didn't think I'd catch fire when I held my hand to the flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton tries to find out what is wrong with Hermann before he loses him for good, but the Precursors have become even stronger, and they have plans of their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: The graphic depictions of violence and trigger warning tags are for this chapter.

When he walked into the lab the next morning, Newton was not there. Hermann couldn’t remember exactly why he suspected that would be the case, but he had a feeling he had upset him in some way. He wanted to apologise and to clear the air before they went back to their insufferable old ways of being needlessly cruel to each other. 

Hermann used to think Newton had started it all, with his stupid nicknames and getting in Hermann’s face all the time, but he learnt too late that that was just Newton being himself and he wasn’t trying to be cruel. Not until Hermann treated him cruelly back, any way. From then on it was just one misunderstanding after another until they both forgot that time when they tried to be friendly. 

He made himself a coffee and then, at the last moment, found another cup to make Newt one. He didn’t even know how Newton took his coffee, but he always saw a dark liquid in the half-drunk cups on his desk so he settled on two teaspoons of coffee, stirred it well and left it on Newt’s workbench with a few sachets of sugar.

Looking around the other man’s work space, it was clear Newt’s side of the lab was starting to look more and more barren. The drawers full of documents and files had gone, probably to be processed with the rest of the reports, or more likely to be locked in a vault until they were sorted through with a black marker pen and finally allowed access by the public. His samples were dwindling too, meaning the place was finally smelling of clean air rather than alien tissue and harsh chemicals. Hermann was certain, even years from now at his most wistful, that he would not miss the smell of ammonia.

Standing in the other doctor’s workspace, Hermann wanted to just wait for Newton, to say what needed to be said to clear the air. Without thinking, his hand slipped into his pocket and he found himself pulling out that napkin from the day before, folded up carefully like it was a treasure he had to protect.

Within seconds, any thoughts of Newton had left his mind and were replaced with his new project; one his coherent side would never be able to explain.

His head turned to his chalkboards, now washed clean of his work on the patterns of the Breach and his predictions of the next attack and picked up a new piece of chalk from the box on his desk. Then he put down his cane, stepped up onto the highest rung of the ladder and began to write.

 

Newton had thought through his plan in dealing with the other man a dozen or so times, ever since the night before when he heard Hermann in such distress. There was something much bigger happening, and as scared as he was to lose Hermann as a friend or lover, he was even more terrified he would lose Hermann, period. Whether it be his own mind playing tricks on him or something more sinister that was trying to take Hermann away, Newt had to help him before it was too late.

He walked into the lab with a firm determination, though in reality he was about as scared as when he had been in the kaiju public shelter. He balled his fists to calm himself and saw Hermann was up on his ladder, working fast on a calculation that seemed to have his full attention. He didn’t even seem to notice Newton had entered the room, which was not like Hermann at all, even at their most antagonistic. In fact, back when they were at eachother’s throats Hermann seemed to notice Newton the most when he was annoyed with him. 

Newton watched Hermann at work for a few minutes, trying to decipher exactly what he was working on. It looked like the sort of complex calculations that only Hermann and a handful of others in the world would understand, and sadly Newton was not one of them. He had shared a lab with the man for years and not once did he try to grasp what exactly Hermann was trying to accomplish. He realised, had he swallowed his damn pride and admitted what Hermann was doing was brilliant, he might be able to figure out what was so important it had his full, undivided attention.

Newton then spotted a cup of coffee on his desk, now cold but definitely not in one of his regular mugs. He looked over at Hermann and wondered just what side of him he would be facing.

“Hey Hermann,” Newton said as casually as he could as he walked towards the chalk boards. He noticed his voice was shaking just a little.

Hermann heaved a heavy sigh from the top of ladder. 

“Haven’t you got someone else to bother? Another kaiju groupie you can befriend?”

So it was the possessed side, as Newton had dubbed it, he was dealing with. It was funny, because like before, he sounded just like he did before the Breach had closed. That had to be the worst part, because Newton could very well suspect that Hermann was simply back to normal - that his brief time of being kind to Newton was nothing more than a phase. 

But he had heard Hermann fighting his own mind, and he had to press on.

“Sure,” Newt said casually. “But they’re not as fun as you, Hermie.”

“Can’t you see I’m working? For God’s sake, go dissect one of your precious specimens and leave me in peace.”

“Can’t do that, buddy.” Newt was now standing right below the ladder. “Not until you tell me what you’re working on that’s so important.”

“As if your spastic little mind could ever process--”

“Try me,” Newton said, perhaps a little sharper than he intended. Hermann had never used a word like that to taunt him. Even Hermann at his worst didn’t bring up whatever mental problems Newton may or may not have had. Like Hermann’s injury, it was never asked and Newton never divulged. 

Hermann merely muttered, “Idiot kaiju groupie,” and went back to work, scribbling back and forth along the granite, not even pausing to check his work.

“You’re losing your edge there, Hermann - you’ve called me that already today. Barely thirty seconds ago.”

This time Hermann did not respond, his eyes fixed on his work, his mouth a thin line. 

“Just answer me this, and I’ll leave you alone.”

The chalk stopped in mid-scrawl and Hermann turned his head slowly.

“Who am I speaking to right now?”

It wasn’t the most elegant of questions to ask, not when Hermann might be suffering from a serious mental condition, but Newton didn’t know where else to start. Hermann looked confused, maybe even angry.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me,” Newton said with more strength behind his voice. “I know I’m not talking to Hermann, and so I want to know who I’m speaking to.”

Hermann looked like he was about to retaliate; to scorn his lab partner and tell him he was being crazy (or more so than usual), before his eyes widened and his mouth opened in shock. Then he let go of the ladder for a moment before clutching it even tighter, dropping the chalk to grab his only support with both hands.

“What--?” he tried, now looking frantic. “Where… what happened?”

Newt scrambled to get directly under the ladder, where Hermann would be most likely to fall.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, just hold on, I’ll get you.”

“Newton?” Hermann asked, confused and scared. “I don’t understand… Was I asleep?”

“Something like that. Just hold on.”

Hermann immediately went to climb down the ladder, having found his bearings and trying to get back to the ground. He stopped to look at the calculations he had been writing down all morning and looked confused to the point of scared.

“Newton… did I write this?”

“Yeah. Well, sort of. Come on, man, climb down--”

“Because this is… this is not…” his eyes darted back and forth across the blackboard, slowly piecing together exactly what it was he had been calculating.

“Oh my God,” he whispered.

He suddenly screamed in pain, his legs giving way and trying desperately to hang on when his own mind was attacking him.

“No… don’t you dare...” Newton warned, but Hermann screamed again, his mind far away now, the beginnings of another attack starting rapidly and violently.

“Newt… Help!” he cried out, one hand now cradling his head like it was too heavy to hold up. “They… oh God… Help me…”

Newton climbed up several rungs and grabbed Hermann around the waist just as he started to convulse. Hermann’s grip loosening with every horrific shudder, Newton suddenly felt Hermann’s full weight fall on him and he slid down, his legs knocking every rung of metal. Hermann landed awkwardly on top of him and Newton immediately turned him on his side and did his best to support him as he waited for the attack to end.

A minute later Hermann awoke with a groan, clutching his leg painfully and wondering what had happened. He then heard a weak grunt of pain and moved away, seeing he had been lying in Newton’s lap awkwardly. 

“What on earth are you doing?” he demanded, both hands clutching his leg.

Newton looked like he was in pain himself, his hand on his ankle.

“Just trying to stop you cracking your head open, no big deal,” he replied, gritting his teeth. “No need to thank me or anything.”

“You absolute idiot,” Hermann spat. “I assume it was your fault this happened?”

Newton shrugged, not exactly disagreeing and he tried to stand up, placing tentative weight on his ankle. Realising it was too painful to do so, he grabbed the side of the ladder to keep himself upright. He put out a hand for Hermann to grab onto but Hermann slapped it away, opting instead to crawl towards the chair next to his desk a few feet away. It was slow and looked painful for him, but he would rather do that than seek help from the bumbling moron who had caused him to require help. 

Finally able to right himself, he found his cane where he had dropped it earlier and limped painfully out of the room, not saying another word towards the man he was convinced was just there to ruin his work. He would continue his thoughts in his room - at least there Newton couldn’t interrupt him.

Newton watched him leave, wanting to say something, anything, to break whatever spell had been cast over Hermann once again. He now knew though that it would only cause yet another seizure, and he couldn’t be sure how many more Hermann could take. 

 

From then on, Hermann was no longer himself. He acted in the way whatever held possession of him thought he would act, and perhaps it fooled everyone else, but Newton knew so much better. It may had been only a short time together, but Hermann had opened himself to him in a way Newton had never seen before, not to him and not to anyone else. The chances of anyone believing Newt when he said Hermann had shown signs of loving him were depressingly slim. It was as if the relationship had been in his head the whole time. 

What made it worse was that now that they were no longer friends, Hermann’s seizures seemed to have stopped, at least by watching him throughout the working day. Newt had the hideous thought throughout their time together that he wasn’t helping and that he was only causing more pain to Hermann, but now that they were apart, Hermann seemed healthier than ever. It was like their being together was toxic for him, and whilst Newt knew there was so much more to it than just his presence, he still felt to blame. 

The Shatterdome was down to its last personnel. Marshall Hansen was helping people get back home as the borders began to open once more and only a handful of people were left to monitor the area the Breach had once been. Newton still had yet to decide where he was going or if he wanted to take up any of the job offers that had been sent to him. Now he knew Hermann would not be coming with him, he felt lost.

A week after Hermann’s last attack, Tendo was keeping Newt company in the now nearly empty canteen. By next week the place would be nothing more than a monitoring station and a museum to the Jaegers it once held. During all meals Hermann and Newton sat on separate tables, Hermann choosing one without other people so he could carry on with his work and Newton would respect his need for privacy. That was all he felt he could do.

“So you have no plans?” Tendo asked, trying to be polite. Newton knew Tendo didn’t think much of him (who did?) but he appreciated he was trying his best. They would probably never so much as write Christmas cards to each other once the Shatterdome was closed, but they would try for pleasantries until then.

“Not yet, got to sift through my options,” Newton said airily. Sometimes he was all too aware he sounded like a self-centered arsehole, but he didn’t care with people like Tendo. Like he could ever change his mind, anyway.

“What about you?” Newton finally asked when he realised that was all Tendo was going to say.

“I’m sticking it out, they offered me the job as head of the monitoring station. Someone’s got to make sure they don’t come back, right?”

“Sure,” he said. “Good job, man.”

“Doctor Geiszler.”

Both men looked up at Hermann.

“Hey Hermann!” Newton said excitedly, having not heard so much as a hello from the man for so long. For a split second, he thought the Hermann who cared for him was back.

“May I remind you that your collection of garbage needs to vacate my laboratory by next week, or am I just going to have to hire someone to take it away?”

_Oh._

“I’ll clear it out,” Newt said coldly. “Anyway, you need to move your shit too. This place is closing for everyone.”

“Nah man, Gottlieb’s on my observatory team,” Tendo said. “He’s our best guy on the nature of the Breach - if he can’t spot it reopening then no-one can.”

Hermann looked about as smug as Newton had ever seen him. It was sickening.

“Well congrats, man. If the kaiju come back, you can throw up on them.”

“And _you_ can add more ink to your pathetic collection. It seems at least what I will be doing will have some value, don’t you think?”

Newton didn’t respond. It was like he was talking to an entirely different person. It hurt to think they had once been intimate, that Hermann had opened up about himself in ways he never had to others.

Without a response, Hermann saw himself as the victor and went to join the small queue for lunch. Newton kept his eyes on his tray, trying to convince himself that maybe this was for the best, and if Hermann was no longer sick then it had to be worth it. He started to suspect he had dreamed what Hermann had said before the beginning of his last attack. 

“You know, I thought you two had finally cooled off,” Tendo said thoughtfully. “I actually saw you two getting along and it was nice.”

“Temporary insanity,” Newt said bitterly. 

“Hm. Must have been the Drift. I mean, I’m not saying it will suddenly make people like each other, but when you go into someone else’s mind, I imagine it must force you to see from their perspective.”

Newton did not answer. Maybe that was all it was? Maybe he was so convinced he and Hermann could be together he dreamed up Hermann’s ‘other personality’? Maybe it was just the come down after the Drift?

But he had heard him screaming, pleading with an unknown force to let him go.

Without a word, Newton leapt up from the table and marched over to Hermann, who was just setting his lunch tray down to eat. Newton grabbed his arm, hooking it through his own and started to march Hermann out of the canteen.

“What the blazes! How dare you-- I should report you to the Marshall--”

“Yeah yeah,” Newton said angrily. “Save it. You and I are Drifting right now.”

“What?! I’ll be doing no such thing! This is preposterous!”

“Either you Drift with me or I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you get fired from the PPDC.”

“As if you held any clout--”

“You wanna try me?” Newton said, his voice now high-pitched from the effort. “You’ve always said I’m ruining your reputation, well now I’m going to do it on purpose. You. Me. A date with my Pons system. I’m finding out what’s wrong with you once and for all.”

Hermann stopped dead in his tracks and Newton felt a sickening feeling wash over him. Had he said too much? Would Hermann have another seizure, simply because he had acknowledged he had a problem?

“And what makes you think we would ever let you in?”

His voice was low and full of spite. Newton shook himself away from his friend in terror as Hermann stayed where he was, his eyes darkened and a small smile on his lips. 

Suddenly, it all made sense.

“He’ll let me in,” Newton said, trying to put some strength in his voice but it came out with a stammer. 

“Will he?” he spat. “I don’t think you realise how little is left of him.”

“No, no he’s still in there. He’s still fighting…” Newton said weakly. Out of desperation and terror, he shook Hermann’s shoulders. “Hermann! Hermann, please, don’t let them win. Speak to me, buddy.”

“It’s too late. He’s long gone,” and those controlling Hermann smiled in a grotesque way. His face was Hermann’s but it didn't look like him - as if someone was wearing a mask.

“What do you even want with him?” Newton cried. “For God’s sake, why don’t you take me instead? I’m the one who-- who…”

Whatever was controlling Hermann straightened up, moving towards Newton slowly so he was pinned against the steel wall.

“And what would we want with a weapons expert, when we have access to the mind that can reopen the passageway?”

“Jesus…” Newton gasped, and a strong hand dug into his shoulder. “You… but… you can’t…”

“We gave you the secrets to our destruction, and now we shall return the favour and bring forth a new attack. No observation, no analysis, just extermination. And with all of your weapons destroyed, who will be able to stop us?”

Newton didn’t answer - before he could even try to struggle out of the Precursors’ grip, his head was slammed back against the steel wall and he slumped down onto the floor like a rag doll. His eyes were unable to focus and it felt like the world was moving in waves, crashing against him with sounds and sights but nothing he could grasp onto. 

“There’s only one way to sever from the hivemind, and you longer need access.”

His head lolling and his eyes closed, he felt himself being pulled to his feet and he was forced to walk. He stumbled, his hand on the back of his head and unable to see straight, just moving without thought because someone was forcing him to.

He was only able to focus on what was happening again when he was leaning heavily against what he recognised as wool and over-starched cotton. He moaned weakly, trying to move for himself so he was standing on his own, before the person holding him up left his side and he was forced to do so anyway. The ground underneath him was unsteady, and he tried his best to stay still less he fall over.

He pushed up his glasses to try to see better but it did nothing to help. His head throbbed painfully and he felt unsteady to the point of needing to sit down.

Long fingers plucked his glasses off of his face and Newton went to ask for them back, before the ground beneath him was kicked away and he dropped down fast. Before he could brace for impact the rope around his neck broke his fall.

He kicked at the air, trying to find a surface to take the weight off of his throat, but it was futile. He was struggling and twitching, his eyes watering but looking towards his friend’s now vacant eyes before Hermann turned and left with a look of cruel triumph. The world slowed down, and his body felt too heavy to control. He began to think it would be easier just to give in.

From somewhere in the haze beyond his ability to see, he could make out some form of movement, and a voice started to scream his name. He felt his arms drop down to his sides as the voice grew louder and the world blacked out.


	6. And I cannot say that I was not warned or was misled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shatterdome is in shock following Newton's attempted suicide and want to know why he did it. Meanwhile, the Precursors use Newton's history against him to ensure he will not be able to stop their plan...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, thank you so much for the very verbal comments in the last chapter! I tried to get this polished as soon as possible just for you.

_He saw that room again, saw the lights flickering from the surge caused by the laboratory’s power supply being diverted to the device thrown together in a matter of hours. He called out again, and again, like a record hitting a fresh scratch, before he walked inside to see what on earth was going on, and found himself dropping his cane, kneeling beside him, calling to him, desperately trying to switch the power off. No heartbeat. No response to his calls. He started to pump his chest, screaming his name, trying to revive, feeling no response, feeling nothing..._

_Then he was back outside the room, watching the lights flicker once more and asking out-loud what the hell Newton was doing to their lab. He was running to him, not enough time to fully take in what had happened, down by his side, feeling for a pulse, trying to save him._

_Back to the corridor. and Hermann saw it all, heard it all again._

_Lights flickering._

_Calling his name._

_His cane clattering to the ground._

_Checking for a pulse._

_Pumping his chest._

_Again._

_Again._

_And again._

_There was no telling how many times he lived through that memory and no way for him to stop it._

 

There was something that told him he should see if the two of them were okay. It wasn’t that Tendo stuck in nose in other people’s business all the time (not as forcefully as people thought, anyway), but there was something about Newton and Hermann that made him compelled to speak to them. The two of them had spent years at each other’s throats, complaining to anyone who would listen that the other was simply the worst, and they loathed having to share workspaces. That hatred only grew worse as the war went on, especially when funding started to run out and they didn’t have a whole department and their own staff to occupy them. 

When Tendo saw them after the Breach had collapsed, sitting on the floor in LOCCENT, looking so happy to be together, it made him feel content. If those two idiots could set aside their differences to save the world, then anyone could.

So when Newt dragged Hermann out of the mess hall, both of them looking furious and as if they were about to start another of their fights, Tendo wanted to intervene. He contemplated it, and rethought his decision several times over, until when he finally bused his lunch tray, he decided to act.

Had he got up and followed them the moment they walked out, things might have been different.

Instead he got the lift down to the science department and the first thing he heard was a strange noise - like someone gasping desperately for air. He ran over to where he saw Newton hanging, still struggling ( _Still alive, he’s still alive, just keep him alive_ ) and he held Newton up, screaming for help and using his shitty pocketknife to try to cut him down. 

When Newton’s full weight fell on him and Tendo lowered him awkwardly onto the ground, he just tried to get him breathing again, still screaming for help as he pumped his chest, thinking about how he had heard so many pilots dying in battle and this time, this fucking time, he would be able to help someone with his own hands. 

By the time help arrived, Newton was breathing - barely - and all Tendo could do was hope he had done enough. 

 

“And you have no idea why he would do this?”

Hermann looked grave as they stood outside the infirmary, his face set in what resembled a scowl. “Of course not. I mean… it’s Newton; the man isn’t exactly known for his sane acts.”

Marshall Hansen knew Hermann was trying to lighten what was an incredibly dark subject, but he did not show any signs of finding it amusing. 

“But to go through with something so horrific...”

“I know.Thank God Tendo found him when he did,” the Marshall said gravely. “Or the poor kid wouldn’t be here now.”

“Quite.”

It had been a shock to everyone when they heard the news that Newt had tried to kill himself. The Marshall was investigating why, and of course people were quick to point out that he wasn’t exactly known for his sound mind. Maybe the thought of no more monsters to study, to no longer be needed, finally tipped him over the edge? The Shatterdome was closing shop and they knew he hadn’t found another job yet. Maybe he, like a lot of people, had made peace with the thought of dying during the war? Marshall Hansen was inclined to think the same but he still couldn’t believe it had happened. 

Hermann told the Marshall had been away from the Shatterdome when it happened, working on his project that would help detect if the Breach reopened. In reality, the Precursors had seen Tendo hurrying into the lab and, having not been seen, headed in the opposite direction. If the man lived, they always had another plan: one themselves had seen in that first Drift. 

“Will you please watch him and let me know if anything changes?” Hansen asked Hermann, who nodded stiffly and took a seat, as if waiting anxiously for news. 

“Sir?” Hermann asked suddenly. “I know it’s not my place… but I fear I must tell you something about Newton’s behaviour recently.”

“Yes?”

“Well he… I hate to say it… but the man has been diagnosed with mental problems before. Most importantly, manic depression. He’s been in what I would describe as one of his low moods. He even started accusing me of acting suspiciously, so I think he’s been getting more and more paranoid following the alien Drift. I think…” Hermann sighed unhappily. “I think this was inevitable.”

Marshall Hansen’s face turned to one of utter concern.

“Do you honestly think that? I mean, I know you two were not exactly friends but…”

“But I know him better than anyone,” Hermann finished. “I think he will try to endanger himself again.”

And with that, the idea was planted. It was simply a matter of waiting for Newton to speak about aliens invading minds and any attempts to stop the Precursors’ plan would be seen as the acts of a madman.

 

Newton awoke three days later, dazed and unable to speak. He coughed loudly around the endotracheal tube down his throat and reached out a shaking hand to pull it out. A nurse tried to stop him using a soothing and calming voice, but then he saw Hermann watching him from the corner of the small room. He panicked, trying to call for help and convince someone, anyone, that Hermann had been taken over, but his voice was nothing more than a strangled gurgle. He fought the arms trying to hold him down and he saw Hermann was now next to the bed, smiling, his expression calm but his eyes dark. Newton was getting weaker, and saw with blurred vision the freshly-drained needle being pulled out of his IV. He blacked out, his mind still filled with terror he could not express.

Time passed and he awoke once more, the tube and IV now removed, mind foggy as to why he had fallen asleep previously. This time he was in a small hospital room of neutral colours and calming pictures. Immediately he knew he could not say what he wanted to - that he had to go stop his friend from opening up the Breach, that the Hermann they all knew was gone and his mind had been replaced by that of the Precursors. Instead he kept quiet, because they couldn’t say he was a danger to himself when he was cooperating, right?

A doctor came to see him not soon after, and began to ask questions. Newt’s voice was barely more than a whisper from his wounds, but he did his best to answer as calmly as possible. He knew psych reviews - had had his fair share in his life. He had been diagnosed multiple times and he sometimes agreed to take medication, sometimes didn’t. His medical history didn’t exactly paint a good picture, especially not when the doctor started to ask certain questions.

“And I have been informed you have started to think there is something wrong with your colleague, Dr Gottlieb?”

“Uh, uh, no, I mean, we were fighting…”

“You apparently accused him of being ‘possessed’, and you threatened to force him to Drift with you to prove it.” He said it like Newton had threatened to kill the other man.

“No…” Newton said weakly. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Then what happened?” the pisspoor psychiatrist asked. 

Hermann had already told them. Newton had wanted to prove his sanity by not mentioning what he suspected of Hermann, but it was too late and they already thought he was either paranoid schizophrenic or making up that story as a reason to hurt Hermann. 

A biased look at his psych review from when he first joined the PPDC, a testimony from his lab partner and now proof that he was ‘prone to self-harm’ gave them more than enough excuses to keep him contained. The man had Drifted with aliens, those in charge of his medical welfare would say, of course he needed protection from himself.

He realised with a horror he could barely conceal that the Precursors had somehow dug into his mind and had brought his worst fear to life. If he didn’t die at their hands, then he would live the rest of his life in his own worst nightmare.

 

Late into the night, Hermann came to visit him, acting as the concerned friend, there to try to convince him that Newton was just sick and he was better staying with the nice doctors until he was better. Hermann was even thanked for being so understanding of his colleague.

“I’d say this worked out rather well,” those controlling Hermann said smugly. He sat down on the edge of the bed and observed the man with hateful eyes. Newton couldn’t react - couldn’t lash out or even mention what he now knew what was happening to his friend. It would only add more reasons to what was now becoming a long list.

The Precursors controlling Hermann smiled and leaned forward to whisper a final victory.

“Just a few more days working on the coding, and the Breach will be reopened. Even if you try to tell them, nobody will believe you.”

“Please,” Newton said weakly. “Let me speak to Hermann. Please, let him go…”

But even if Hermann could hear him from where he was trapped in his own mind, he would have no ability to respond. Those controlling Hermann made him smile, which in its own horrific way made Newton think of Hermann when they were admitting they cared for each other. It crushed Newton more than anything that had been said to him. He was left alone in his hospital room, knowing he may never leave.

 

Tendo changed his mind around ten times during the morning, trying to decide whether to visit Newton in the hospital or to wash his hands of the whole situation. He feared if he saw him he would end up yelling at him, much like he had when he was trying to cut him down.

( _“Come on, you asshole! Why would you do this? You help save the fucking world and now you want to die? Come on, for fuck’s sake, you selfish little prick!”_ )

But then Newton was no different from a lot of people. So many had given up during the impending apocalypse, whilst others had no idea how to handle the fact that the world would continue to spin. It was just that nobody in the Shatterdome thought Newton would be one of them. The man was troubled but he was fighting the good fight alongside everyone else. 

Finally Tendo bit the bullet and visited the local hospital, not stopping at the gift shop because what was he supposed to give the guy anyway?

Newton’s room was small and in an area that was isolated from others. His door was locked from the outside and whilst it looked friendly enough, it was obvious it was for the ‘troubled’ patients. The psychological damage caused by the years of kaiju attacks were well documented, so even the most poor of medical facilities had rooms set aside for people who simply couldn’t cope. 

Tendo opened the door to find Newton lying in bed and looked like he was trying to sleep, but his eyes were open and staring up at the bare ceiling. He looked strange wearing plain clothes instead of his usual carefully-put together outfits and his hair laying flat, like someone had sucked his very essence out of him. Even his tattoos were covered up with a plain, long-sleeved t-shirt, and Newton had made no attempt to roll up the sleeves.

“Hey buddy,” he said gently, which gained him a strange look from Newton. Tendo didn’t exactly speak to him in a gentle tone during normal circumstances. “How are you?”

Newton shrugged unhappily. “Care to take a guess?”

“You look better. Your neck is…” he gestured, but he saw the rope marks were still a shocking red, blue and yellow, painted across his neck like an extension of his tattoos. “Well, you look better.”

Newton didn’t respond and Tendo was struggling to think of what to say. He barely held a conversation with him when they were working together, much less now when the poor man was recovering from a self-inflicted near death experience. 

“Listen, I know this isn’t what you’re supposed to ask and I’m sorry, but… what happened?”

Newton wanted to say, more than anything he did, but when the truth sounded like the ramblings of a crazy person and would only add more reasons to keep him locked up, he had to hold his tongue. So he simply shrugged once again.

“I wish I could have come sooner, before you... I’m just… I’m sorry this happened to you. I mean, you’re a pain in the ass but you saved the world. We all did.”

He was trying for humour - trying to make Newton feel better by talking to him like he would during better times. Newton shut his eyes in pain before he began to cough loudly, his body convulsing from the effort.

“Ah jeez, I’m sorry,” Tendo said gently. He sat down by Newton’s side. “Can I do anything?”

He considered just shaking his head, to finally give in and await what had to be only days before the Breach would reopen. How could he possibly think he had any chance against the aliens that had brought forth the kaiju? Had created them, even? 

“I…” he tried, stopped, then tried again. “If I tell you what happened, you’ll think I’m crazy.”

“How so?”

“Because you think I’m crazy enough already,” he said. There was no humour in his voice - he was simply stating the facts.

Tendo felt a sting from those words. It was true, in the time he had worked with Newt on and off for a decade he had joked about Newt being the stereotypical brilliant but insane doctor. But then he always thought either Newt was arrogant enough to ignore it or he actually believed it himself and brushed it off. 

“I’m sorry,” he said earnestly. “You’re lots of things, Newton, but I don’t think you’re crazy. You’ve just got problems at the moment, and I’m here to see if I can help.”

Newton sighed. “I didn’t… I didn’t try to kill myself. Honestly. But nobody will believe me.”

Tendo felt pity for the poor man, and Newton saw his expression.

“See? Just forget it. I suppose I deserve this,” he chuckled sourly.

“How so? Come on, man, you saved the world with us. If you’ve got problems, we’d like to help you.”

Newton considered this, wondered if he had anything left to lose when he was clearly not going to leave the hospital, possibly ever. He had the sinking feeling that the more he tried to prove his sanity, the more crazy he would look. 

And he thought about Hermann, lost somewhere in his own mind, dying and soon to be replaced by alien monsters for good. His brilliance was doomed to be used to reopen the Breach, and then who knew what they would do to him? 

“Just… don’t let Hermann work on the monitoring station. Please.”

“Why not?” Tendo asked, and Newton didn’t know how to answer him.

“Just fire him or give him another post. Anything.”

“Oh. Okay. I’ll see what I can do. Hey, do you need some water?”

And Newton knew Tendo wasn’t going to take him seriously. He shook his head and Tendo patted him on the shoulder gently.

“You’ll get out here soon, man. You just need time to recover.”

Tendo stood up and when he knocked on the door for the doctors to let him out, he could clearly hear Newton starting to cry.


	7. Fate came a-knocking when I was looking the other way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tendo is starting to grow suspicious of Hermann, and asks Newton to help him find out what's wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updating! I didn't like this chapter and so rewrote the whole thing.

Tendo was unusually quiet at work. He had no smart-alec remarks to throw back at the crew, no stats to give out when he was asked - at one point his colleague had to snap her fingers in front of his face to get his attention. Everyone noticed he had a look that said he was a million miles away. 

He asked a few people if they were going to visit Newton at all, for which he was told, in mostly sorry-sounding voices, that maybe it was best if he was left alone for the time being. The man was clearly not well and it wasn’t as if they knew him much anyway. Tendo realised that he, like most people in the Shatterdome, still barely knew the guy when they had been working together in some capacity for nearly ten years. 

Tendo’s mind continued to wander throughout a meeting he was supposed to be chairing. The newly formed team had a lot to discuss about the equipment they had at their disposal to monitor any possible signs of alien activity. They had enough data and research collected from the war to know if the Breach was reopening, but the chances of it happening in the same place were slim, and to monitor the entire planet was far beyond anyone’s capabilities. 

Which was when Hermann piped up, saying he had a solution if they would allow him access to the machinery. It was a simple matter of using more power and a more advanced system to widen the search. It would be easy to install and would only take a matter of days to map out the new programme. He was given approval immediately.

Tendo flipped through some of the basic requirements Hermann had written down and, whislt he still felt like he was only half-awake, he was concerned.

“Listen,” Tendo said, catching up with Hermann after the meeting was over and the team were heading down for dinner. “I’m sure you’ve triple-checked your workings, but is that level of energy really necessary for simply monitoring alien activity?”

Hermann turned to him. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“That’s like the power required for a freakin’ Jaeger. And we’re supposed to run it indefinitely?”

“If you want the monitors to be sensitive enough, then that is what is required. Do you want my entire programme to be scraped just because we require more energy than before?”

“No…”

“Well then.” And Hermann started to walk away at a quickened pace. Tendo paused for a second, not sure he should bring up the subject, before he caught up with him again.

“Newton asked about you,” he said. It was a white-lie, but he had to find an in somehow.

“Hm,” Hermann said, turning back to him with a sour expression. “I suspect he was moping about the miserable life he’s now created for himself. I always told him he needed real psychological help before he killed himself, and he didn’t listen to me.”

“I honestly don’t understand what happened. I mean, why now? Why not years ago? He’s one of us, he shouldn’t be feeling like this. I feel like we’ve all let him down…”

“Oh please. The man is an egotistical maniac and if he didn’t have his harebrained schemes, you wouldn’t care less about his welfare.”

Tendo looked at him in horror. “That’s not true.”

“Anyway, you don’t even like the man, what do you care?”

Tendo stopped angrily and threw his hands up. “Well what’s your story, then? I saw you two - you were getting along fine until that day. He drags you out of the mess hall to talk to you and then he tries to kill himself? What the hell did you say to him?”

Hermann glared at him, and instinctively Tendo stepped took a tentative step back. It wasn’t Hermann’s usual grumpy expression - his eyes were dark and he looked more dangerous than angry.

Seeing the fear on Tendo’s face, those controlling Hermann must have realised they were failing in their attempts to blend in. Hermann’s expression softened.

“I had nothing to do with that,” he said.

Tendo smiled faintly, trying his best to ease the tension. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m just really confused. I mean, you two were getting along so well just the other week. I saw you guys - you looked happy and I thought maybe you had hooked up? God knows everyone in the Shatterdome thought you would for years.”

“Tendo, believe me when I say this, I would rather be eaten by a kaiju than ever be with that man.”

Hermann stomped ahead, the sound of his cane hitting the floor echoing loudly in the empty corridor. Tendo had to stand there for another minute, contemplating what Hermann had just said and why it frightened him so much. 

 

Newton had given him a pile of books to read. He knew he had to keep quiet and calm to stop them revoking this privilege, so he didn’t complain about the trash celebrity autobiographies and romance books they thought he would possibly enjoy. To their credit, they were probably the only English and German books they owned. He settled on a ghost-written biography of some male celebrity who seemed to have become famous by throwing all of his sexual conquests under a bus. Newton wished he had a pencil to take down notes and write up a thesis on the destructive nature of douchebags.

The pills they were giving him had started to alter his mood significantly . He was a lot more relaxed than previously, but he still knew everything that was wrong and he had no ability to react. It had been a long time since he had taken medication - mainly because the main side-effect of feeling numb meant he had no urge to carry out his work and he had no focus. He wasn’t against medication in the slightest - he just preferred risking his mental state if it meant he could keep up his work. Sometimes, on bad days, he used to take a few antidepressants to calm his nerves, but never like this - never a paper cup full of means to keep him sane. He contemplated faking swallowing them the first time they were given to him, but this was about proving his ability to cooperate and he was too scared about the consequences were they to find out. 

Later in the day, he was informed he had a visitor. He started to panic, thinking it was the Precursors again, there to gloat about their victory. He didn’t think he could handle it and he tried his best not to panic. 

“Hey buddy,” Tendo said, knocking softly on the door as he opened it. “Is it okay to visit?”

“Sure,” Newton said, relief flooding his body.

“Look, I’m sorry about last time.” He grabbed at the spare chair and then, realising it was bolted down, he sat down on the bed next to Newton. “What is it you wanted to tell me? About Hermann?”

“If I tell you I’ll never leave this place,” Newton said. There was a terror in his voice Tendo had never heard before. “Just forget I said anything. Please.”

“Is it what he said to you that day you… When you wanted to talk to him after lunch?”

Newton shook his head so quickly it was like there was a gun to it. 

“Please, don’t ask me.”

“He did, didn’t he?” Tendo said furiously. “He said he knew you were unwell and he still laid into you, like you’re still sharing a lab together.”

“No, I’m to blame too,” Newton said desperately. “Tendo, I swear to you, it wasn’t…” he sighed tiredly. “I can’t talk about it, okay? I’m in enough trouble and all I want to do is prove I’m sane so I can go home. You’re not going to help that by asking me questions.”

“I just want to know what’s wrong with Hermann.”

Newt felt his gut drop down a few feet and he knew he had to ask. 

“Why? What has he been doing?”

“He’s been acting weird for days now. He’s changed all of a sudden. I spoke to him this afternoon and it was like he didn’t even know me. Something’s not right. I don’t want to pretend I know exactly what it is, but,” and Tendo looked intently at Newt, “judging by how scared you look right now, I think you know.”

Newt backed away, his hands nervously rubbing his arms as he thought about what he could say or do. He wondered if he could even trust Tendo. The man was little more than a colleague - even if they had known each other throughout the last decade. They might have sat together at lunch only a dozen times, and chatted at social gatherings even less. He didn’t seem like the sort who cared what happened to one of the research division, finally driven crazy by his work.

“Why did you come back here?” he asked finally. “We aren’t even friends.”

“To be honest, I don’t know why I’m here either,” he admitted. “But if you know anything about why Hermann has changed all of a sudden, I’d like to know.”

“I don’t know if I can trust you to tell you,” he finally admitted. “If I tell you what’s going on, you’ll tell the doctors and they’ll…” he trailed off, because he simply did not want to describe how his life could get any worse. 

“I won’t tell them anything,” Tendo said sincerely. “Honestly.”

Newt couldn’t stop rubbing his arms. He felt like he had his one way of stopping the Precursors, but the thought of Tendo believing him seemed like a joke.

But it was his only shot.

“Newt?” Tendo asked gently, touching Newton’s arm as the other man stared intently at his own fingers.

“Ask him which one you’re talking to.”

“What?”

He sighed. “If you want to know what’s wrong with him, ask him which of him you’re speaking to. But don’t… just be careful. If he seems confused and out of sorts, be kind to him. If he gets angry, just pretend it was a joke.”

“Is this a riddle I’m not getting?”

“You asked me, didn’t you?” Newton shot back angrily. “I’ll explain everything, but I can’t right now if you haven’t seen it for yourself. Just, do it in a place with other people. And be careful.”

“Okay.”

 

_The calculations were getting closer. Trial and error were a part of the process, but the Hivemind was growing louder with impatience. The use of a human mind to reopen the Breach was testing for them all, and some of them were starting to doubt the plan. They could rebuild on their side. It would take longer, others cried. They needed revenge now, not when new defences had been built or the atmosphere had changed once more._

_Somewhere in that swirling, haunting mass there was still a small voice unlike the others. It moaned and shrieked and cried out for help whenever it was able to, and whilst the rest tried to ignore it they all knew it was there._

_The prison they had created for the human was not going to last forever. The memory he was trapped in had started to fray at the edges like an old movie watched too many times. He was growing more aware of the repetition, sometimes even shouting for it to stop. The memory was deeply ingrained but, like all things that lived inside a frail human mind, it could not last._

_They had to work faster._

 

He had half a mind to do as he thought he should have done to start with - leave Newt alone and never see him again, or at least until he had been declared sane. Tendo shouldn’t have even been listening to him, not when Newt was still vulnerable and probably talking complete nonsense. 

But he desperately wanted to know what was wrong with Hermann, and why he felt like they were still in danger.

He waited until dinner, where now only ten or so people congregated in the canteen. Hermann was the only one sitting at a table by himself, working as ever on the coding for the new monitoring equipment. It wasn’t like him to work throughout lunch or to ignore people around him. In fact, given the persona he put across in most situations, he was relaxed and happy to talk to his friends, seeing how it was the only time during the day he got to see anyone other than Newt, who he was barely on speaking terms with. Now, he was acting like the war was still going, and were he to stop for a second the world would come to an end. 

“Hey man, are you ever going to eat?” Tendo asked as he sat down, nodding at Hermann’s untouched plate.

“Later. I’m busy.”

“Come speak to the new team. You know most of them but some are from the old Vladivostok and Panama City Shatterdomes--”

“Later,” Hermann said angrily. 

“What the hell is wrong with you all of a sudden? You know we won, right? You can pull that stick out of your ass.”

“I’m tired of entertaining you. Let me get on with my work or I shall report you.”

Tendo glared at him. It was as if they had never spoken before, had never been as close as friends as Hermann would allow ever since Tendo had been taught by him how LOCCENT worked. They had worked on that system together and if they were in the same Shatterdome at the time, Tendo had asked for Hermann during every single Jaeger launch to be his right-hand man. Hermann had even been Tendo’s best man at his shotgun wedding. Did he not remember any of that?

No time like the present, he figured.

“So I take it I’m not talking to Hermann right now?”

Hermann’s entire body stiffened.

“It’s just like Newton said, isn’t it? Which one am I talking to right now?”

His expression darkened and Tendo felt that same unease he had felt the last time he had spoken to him. Something was very wrong. He felt like he should call for help or run or do something other than stare back at Hermann who wore an expression he had never seen before.

“I suggest you stop talking to that lunatic, Mr Choi, and stop accusing me of such nonsense. People will start to think you’re as crazy as Newton.”

“Are… are you threatening me?”

Hermann leaned back a little, his expression relaxing slightly. “Now why would I do that?”

“Because I know what you did to Newton, you sick bastard, and I won’t let you do… whatever it is you’re planning.”

And Hermann laughed. It was horrifying.

"Go back to work and stop bothering me."

Tendo found himself standing up from the table, his fingertips shaking in both fury and pure terror. He didn't even take his tray back - he just moved quickly to the exit and back to LOCCENT because he needed to think about what the hell he was going to do.

He heard footsteps and the sound of a cane hitting floor just as he turned a corner, and felt something hard slam into his shoulder before he had a chance to turn around. He groaned as his knees hit the ground, another blow landing on his back before he had a chance to even shake off the last. The corridor was completely empty - there was no way anyone would be coming in their direction any time soon. Tendo tried to roll away just as he was met with another solid blow.

 

Newton wasn’t even told he had a visitor this time, and the door opened with more force than necessary. He jumped in fright and moved instinctively away from the door until he saw who it was.

“Come on, we’re getting out of here.”

“What… what the hell happened?” Newton asked, looking Tendo up and down. The man looked like he had been in one hell of a fight. His lip was split and there was a bad bruise across his forearm. He was gripping his right shoulder with his face set in a grimace. There was a tremor in his fingertips and yet he looked a million miles away from scared. He looked determined.

“Doesn’t matter, I’ve signed you over to be in the care of the PPDC. Apparently that’s something they can do, so you’re free. Get your stuff, and let’s go.”

“Wait, but… you believe me?”

“I believe everything. Whatever you didn’t want to tell me, I don’t care what it is, I know it’s true. What-” He waved his hand at Newt, “What do you think is going on?”

“Hermann has been possessed by the Precursors, who are using his knowledge to reopen the Breach and restart the war.”

“Great, nope, that makes perfect sense. After what I just went through, I get it. Now come on, seriously. I forged the Marshall’s name and I don’t think I did a good job. Move, now.”

Newton had nothing to take with him, so he simply hurried over to the door and stared at it for a few seconds before he stepped through, expecting the staff to drag him back in at any second. Tendo followed behind him as they made their way out of the psych ward, out of the hospital and onto the busy streets. It was only then Newton remembered he didn’t even have any shoes on.

“Did Hermann do that to you?” Newton asked suddenly, as Tendo hurried to wave down a taxi.

“That wasn’t Hermann.”

“I know. But… are you okay? Where is he? Is he working on his machine?”

“He’s currently unconscious and tied up in my room. He may have caught me off guard but it wasn’t a fair fight, even if he was possessed by aliens or whatever at the time.”

They jumped into the taxi and Tendo spoke to the driver to get them back to the Shatterdome now. Newt was still in shock at being let out and he couldn’t focus. All he could think about was a bet he placed years ago in a ridiculous office pool about who would win in a fight between randomly selected staff members.

_I just won fifty bucks._


	8. Its talons rake the side of my face.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tendo and Newt have a plan to save Hermann, and it will involve initiating in a Drift with the enemy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know when you don't want to post a chapter until you nail the ending? Well, that. There's nothing worse than posting and realising you don't have everything sussed out, right? Anyway this one is a doozy, so apologies in advance.

Newton was silent as the car hit heavy traffic on the way back to the Shatterdome. Tendo was still nursing his bad shoulder where Hermann’s cane had clubbed him good, and he was doing his best to forget the pain and focus on the other man who looked completely lost now he was free. His hands were rubbing his arms again and his eyes looked unfocused, like he was in deep thought. 

“Hey, you don’t need to worry any more; you’re out,” Tendo said kindly.

“Is he hurt?” Newton asked suddenly, still looking nowhere in-particular. 

“He’ll be fine. Sleeper hold. I learnt it from one of the pilots years ago.”

Newton nodded and went back to rubbing his arms as if he was freezing cold. 

“Are you going to elaborate on your alien brainwashing theory then?”

Newton took a few moments before he started to talk in a quiet and yet determined voice, like he had been rehearsing this very speech for days. “Hermann is currently being held captive by the Precursors. They still have a link with his mind from our Drift, and they’re using his knowledge of the Breach to have him create the conditions to reopen the portal from our side. And I, uh, I tried to help him because he kept on having these seizures and horrific nightmares and it was the Precursors getting deeper and deeper into his mind. He tried to tell me what was happening but they were just too strong. I tried to get Hermann to Drift with me so I could, I don’t know, help him somehow, and they staged my suicide.”

He looked up nervously at Tendo, who seemed to be trying to process everything he had just been told. Newton carried on talking, purely out of terror of what he might be thinking. Tendo may have been willing to believe him before, but he could always decide it was the rantings of a madman.

“What you saw was true. We were getting close. I think the Drift made us see what we always knew; that we loved each-other. Now I don’t even know if he’s still alive in there…” his voice cracked at that moment. “But I can’t give up on him.”

“Well, your idea about engaging in a Drift with Hermann is a good start,” Tendo said thoughtfully. “It might help us to find out how they’re controlling him, or at least try to find Hermann if he’s still in there somewhere.”

Newton sighed loudly. “I guess.”

“We could use the simulator Pons system back at base. No offence to your home-made Pons, but this way I can monitor what’s happening and try to find Hermann within the hivemind. Newton,” and he touched the man’s arm gently because Newton was once again rubbing his arms. Newton finally stopped but shut his eyes, as if in pain. “Newt, we’ll get him back.”

“He may be too far gone. We may have to…” and he didn’t dare say it, but his body flinched none the less. “But we have to stop the Precursors somehow.”

“And we will.” 

Newton nodded and went back to rubbing his arms nervously. Tendo barely heard Newton with a calm, non-sarcastic voice, let alone seeing him so openly vulnerable and admitting of his fears. All of his usual arrogance had been sapped from him. It said enough of what the situation had done to him.

“All right man, that’s enough self-wallowing,” he said finally. “Not when we’ve got to figure out how to get a kaiju-infested man into the Drift with you.”

“Has anyone ever gone into the Drift unwillingly?” Newton asked, just as a taxi pulled up outside the security gates of the Shatterdome. Tendo paid the driver and they got out. Newton couldn’t help but look around, afraid someone would tell him he wasn’t allowed there anymore and they would take him back to the hospital. 

“I don’t know. Probably not. It’s barely been tested outside the parameters of the Jaeger pilots. Maybe a few experiments in the early days to see how people deal, but that’s it.”

“And what if they refuse to Drift and I can’t get inside his memories? What then?”

Tendo shrugged unhappily. “We find another way to get him back. I mean, when was he truly himself?”

“It’s completely unpredictable. Once I managed to get him back, just by confronting what’s controlling him. But they’re stronger now; they won’t let me near the real him.”

“As I saw. But that means he might still be alive,” Tendo suggested. 

“God I hope so,” Newt said with a tired sigh.

“I mean, they obviously must need his memories and mind for the plan to work. Otherwise they could have used you, right?”

“Right,” though his voice lacked confidence. Together they headed to the entrance. 

 

The simulator Pons system was a basic reconstruction of a Jaeger Conn-Pod, used during the final stages of training to determine the pilots’ ability to fight and most importantly, work together. The Hong Kong model had been shut down ever since funding was cut, as no more Jaeger pilots would be trained for combat. It was supposed to be used to train Raleigh and his new co-pilot’s abilities to work together, instead of skipping it entirely and testing in Gipsy Danger straight away as it came to be, but the equipment was old and Tendo had been spending every waking hour trying to bring the last remaining Jaegers up to code. He had not time to tinker with an old system they would only need to work once.

Newton had some dealings with the Conn-Pods, but only when checking each one for its ability to sense a kaiju in the area and how effective the pilots responses were. Hermann was the man who knew how they worked, as he helped design the initial coding for the computer system and AI. 

Tendo asked Newton for time to make sure it was working, and Newton had to stay put for the mean time, or else he might run into someone who would alert the Marshall that he was back. So he stayed in Tendo’s room, keeping an eye on their unconscious prisoner who was now kept under with the help of some heavy sedatives. 

He spent the long hours with the unconscious man as his only company, mainly just talking out loud everything he wanted Hermann to hear. Being locked up in an isolation with only patronising doctors for company had made him touch-starved and eager to talk about everything he wished would happen if they were successful in saving Hermann. He hoped maybe Hermann could hear his voice from wherever he was trapped within his own mind, perhaps helping him to find home again.

Just as he thought he might leave to help Tendo with the repairs, so antsy to get this over with, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he pulled it out.

_Stage one complete._

He breathed a heavy sigh he didn’t even know he was holding in and headed out to find Tendo and begin stage two of their plan.

 

“How’s it looking?”

“Almost ready,” Newton replied back, his voice not nearly as confident as he was attempting.

Newton was in charge of getting Hermann ‘set up’, so to speak, which entailed tying him to a chair and getting the Pons helmet attached before he showed signs of waking up. He loathed himself as he tied Hermann's hands to the arm rests, trying to keep the ropes loose where they might cut off the circulation. If Hermann was himself, he would probably be terrified if he woke up in such a state.

He paused for a moment before he took his place over on his side of the Pod, and brushed Hermann’s hair down tenderly. If all else failed and Hermann was well and truly gone, then they would have no choice but to kill him, or at least the shell of the body that remained. 

He just wished he had had longer with him.

Tendo started flicking switches and tapping at his keyboard from the other side of the clear screen in front of Newt. Were it a real simulation, the screen would become a high-definition visual just like a pilot would see in front of them, looking out at a made-up city where somewhere a kaiju was causing havoc.

“Ready?” Tendo asked, and Newton nodded as he fastened the Pons cap and straightened up next to Hermann. 

“Initiating neural handshake in five, four, three, two, one…”

That familiar feeling of having his mind being sucked down a tube and spat out the other end flooded Newton’s senses. He gasped in shock as he felt like his entire brain was being split open and uploaded onto a computer system. It was different to his Pons - that had been a crude and much more bumpy ride, but there was no doubt it was still thoroughly unpleasant.

At once memories began to zoom through his mind like a movie being put through a blender. 

_The bell signalling the start of his very first day of school, and already dreading he would be too smart for the class._

_Someone slapping him hard across the face in the pouring rain, right after he told them he loved them._

_A crammed lecture hall and him walking to the front to start speaking, rustling his notes in his hands and coughing loudly to get their attention._

_The smell of ammonia hitting his nostrils as the fake walls parted to reveal Hannibal’s lair._

_His uncle explaining how to build his very first amp._

“Something’s not right,” Tendo said through the intercom. “You’re stabilizing in the Drift but Hermann has no signal.”

“No,” Newton said desperately. It was hard to focus on the real world around him when his own memories were penetrating his thoughts so vividly, but he turned to look at Hermann, still unconscious. “Please, Hermann, let me find you.”

“I think he needs to be awake, man,” Tendo said “We’ll shut it down and wait for him to wake up.”

“No,” Newton said. “There’s no way the Precursors will let me in if they know what’s happening.”

Then he saw something, for only a split-second, somewhere between two quick memories of his own.

“Wait, there was something there! What are the machines reading?”

He tried to see it again, forcing his own mind to slow down so he could focus and take in everything he saw.

_It was there again - the unmistakable sight of the Anteverse. He thought for a moment it was from his own memories of what he saw when he Drifted with the kaiju brains, but there was a definite difference. Whilst the world he saw showed the kaiju being build and contained, ready to be deployed when needed, this was the world the Precursors saw. This was much more vast and structured and it felt so much more detailed than what the kaiju were allowed access to. This was their very civilisation._

“There’s a weak signal, Newt, but it’s not enough.”

“Come on, you fuckers, show me more,” Newton said angrily, his mind back to showing his own past in whatever order it chose. It felt like he was flicking through a large reference book; searching for a certain topic at breakneck speed, barely giving himself a moment to recognise the image before he willed his brain to move on. 

_A frog dissection in his bedroom, after he promised his dad he had gone to sleep._

_The last moments of his first tattoo, his skin prickling and aching from the long session but him grinning proudly as he looked down at his arm._

_A dinner date with a guy he never thought would say yes._

_The view of a thousand faces with their attention focused entirely on him as he described the category system for the first time._

_Teaching a young Mako Mori about what happened in the labs, holding her hand and speaking in fluent Japanese as he motioned towards ‘grumpy old man Gottlieb’._

_A long, drawn-out fight with Hermann over the best way to stop the war, and the first time Hermann called him a kaiju groupie._

Newton didn’t mean to linger on that memory for so long, but they were both a lot younger and he remembered the feeling of shock and hurt from that quip. He wasn’t an idiot groupie who read off stats like baseball cards and thought the kaiju were just cool animals - he wanted to stop them just as much as anyone in the PPDC. He thought Hermann would understand that.

“Newt, you’re going to chase the RABIT if you’re not careful,” Tendo warned.

“Sorry,” he said quickly and moved on to find more signs of his Drift partner. “Are the readings any better?”

“Not yet.”

“Come on, Hermann,” he pleaded. 

_Another small flash of the Anteverse - blazing blue and the sounds of the kaiju screaming from their cages._

That one was from Newt’s memories and he flinched without meaning to. 

_The end of a long night in a bar, Newt sitting in the corner cradling his beer, angry over the way the evening had turned out - no numbers, barely drunk enough to pretend he was having fun, no-one trying to engage him in conversation._

_Hermann lying close to him in bed, one hand propping up his head as he laid on his side, trying to hide with his fist how much he was smiling at Newt’s bad joke. Newt putting his hand on Hermann’s and pushing it away from his mouth, telling him it wouldn’t ruin his reputation to show he was happy. Hermann then rolling his eyes and swatting Newt’s hand away playfully, saying his reputation would be in tatters in people knew he found Newton bloody Geiszler at all hilarious._

“Please, Hermann,” he said suddenly, barely realising he was saying it outloud, “Please come back.”

_The Anteverse again; vast and bright and structured, the Precursors assembled in one swarming, horrific mass, making noises Newton was sure was their communicating._

“The signal is getting stronger,” Tendo said excitedly. “Focus more on Hermann. This is a dialogue - you need to try and engage him.”

“He’s not there, Tendo,” Newton said miserably. “I can’t see any of his memories at all - only the aliens’.”

“Just keep trying.”

_Fishing with his dad and uncle, feeling tired and his limbs aching from sitting in one place so long._

_Being told by an overly kind specialist who smiled too much that he was very gifted and wouldn’t he be better in a school for children like him, where he could flourish?_

_A screaming match with Hermann in the middle of the canteen, both of them ignoring people around them telling them to calm down as they threw insults back and forth._

_Hermann ordering dinner for both of them in fluent Cantonese, switching between languages as he asked Newton if he wanted any side dishes or any more drinks, and Newton thinking he should have been insulted about being treated like he was very much Hermann’s date. Instead he felt flattered and grateful and wouldn’t let his ego ruin what has to be one of the nicest days he could remember in a long time._

_Newt looking right at him, and he was about to say his usual spiel about the tattoos, and how distasteful and gaudy they were, but his finger was currently tracing the outline of Trespasser on his upper-arm._

“Tendo! Tendo, I saw one of Hermann’s memories!”

“I know; it’s lighting up on the readings. We’re getting there,” he said happily. 

“It’s fragmented; barely even a full memory. Come on, buddy, you’re in there somewhere…”

He tried to think of memories of Hermann, even ones he would rather forget from when they were so spiteful to each other. Anything, just to find him in the swirling world of the Drift.

Then, it felt like Newt had been shocked and he yelled in pain. 

“What? What happened?” Tendo asked.

“Something’s there,” Newton said, his breathing a little quicker and his eyes wide. “Like… I don’t know…”

“The Precursors?”

He shook his head. “It was like…”

He felt it again and he winced, shutting his eyes tightly. It was barely a flash - like a subliminal image someone had planted in his brain. He couldn’t even tell what it was, but it was strong and it felt like fear and desperation and panic.

“I think it’s Hermann,” he said slowly. “I mean, the real him.”

“Try to linger on it, focus everything on it and hold it there.”

“Chase the RABIT?”

Tendo laughed uncomfortably. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Newt focused on what he had seen, trying to figure out what the image was of. Then it came again, slower this time but still as painful. He definitely saw the lab - he could spot the specimen tanks even in their blurred and fragmented states - and then he saw the lights flicker slightly. Newt tried to think of a time when they flickered like that. It wasn’t as if the power was always reliable in the Shatterdome, but he couldn’t think of a significant time that had happened. 

Then he saw himself, for the briefest of moments, lying on the ground, eyes closed, glasses fallen off, twitching.

“Oh God, it’s…”

He stopped what he was saying when he saw Hermann, running to his side, dropping his cane with a clatter and grabbing his head, yelling and looking absolutely terrified. He slammed his palm on the top of the helmet to switch it off and threw it aside, clutching Newt’s head to press close to him.

“Newton, wake up!” he said loudly. “Newton, snap out of it you complete idiot, what on earth were you thinking?”

Newt remembered being shouted at as he woke up, head stuffed with cotton wool and blood dripping from his nose. He hadn’t protested to feeling Hermann’s hands on him because he was so shocked and half his mind was still in the Anteverse. He couldn’t stop shaking, not even when Hermann helped him into a chair. He started babbling about what he had seen as Hermann got him water and tried to clean up his nose but it was still bleeding. Newt told him to get Pentecost over and over, until finally Hermann stopped fussing over him and did as he was told.

Newton watched the memory, but something was different. He wasn’t waking up. 

“Newton!” Hermann yelled, shaking him even harder. “Newton, what’s wrong?”

Newton watched as Hermann dropped Newton to the ground in shock. He was completely limp and, judging by how Hermann was feeling his neck, there was no pulse.

“Newton, please, please Newton, don’t…” Hermann said, his voice now small and scared. He started pumping Newt’s chest, one hand over the other as he pushed down hard and fast.

“Wait, this isn’t what happened,” Newton said in confusion. “Hermann, Hermann, this didn’t happen!”

The memory of Hermann ignored the real Newton and was checking for a pulse once more before he continued CPR. He continued to shout at the lifeless Newton but his voice was wavering and cracking, and tears started to fall down his face.

“Please, please, don’t do this, not now, please… Help!” he screamed towards the doors of the lab, towards the empty corridors. “Someone help him!”

“Hermann, I’m here, I didn’t die,” Newton said weakly.

His hands were still pumping, but he was getting slower, as if he knew he had to stop but he couldn’t. His face crumpled and he began to cry, putting his face in his hands and sitting back onto the floor. The lab was silent except for Hermann’s sobs and Newton didn’t know what to do.

Then, the room changed. The lights flickered again for a few seconds, just before Hermann marched into the room and demanded to know what Newton was up to. Then he threw his cane down and he went to Newt’s side, yelling at him and switching off the Pons. It was exactly the same as the last time, down to the very detail.

“Tendo, are you seeing this?”

“Yeah,” he replied, his voice quiet. “Hermann’s chasing the RABIT. I’ve never seen one so strong.”

“That’s how they have him trapped!” Newton said angrily. “They’re forcing him to… oh fuck, Hermann…”

He couldn’t help himself and, still connected, he walked over to the real Hermann and knelt down in front of his unconscious form. He put his hands on either side of Hermann’s head and kissed him on the forehead.

“I’m here, Hermann,” he said weakly. “I survived. I saw the Anteverse and what we were up against. And then you… you chose to come with me on the second run. You wouldn’t let me go alone because… I don’t know… you liked me or you just needed to prove your theory right… it doesn’t matter but you ensured we would find out what was needed so we could help the mission. You helped save the world.”

“New… ton?”

Newt wasn’t sure if the weak voice was coming from the Drift or the man tied up in front of him, but he was ecstatic none the less.

“I’m here!”

“Hurts…” Hermann mumbled, his eyes still shut, his head lolling in Newton’s hands.

“I know it does, baby, I know it does,” he said desperately.

“I can’t... fight them for long,” Hermann gasped. “They won’t let me… let me go…”

“I know, but I’m here, okay? That memory, it’s a trap, it’s to keep you occupied and focused on something terrible so you don’t fight them. But it’s not real. It’s not real, okay?”

Hermann nodded very slightly. “Hard to know what’s real,” he mumbled.

“I’m real, I’m right here and I love you and I will not lose you again.” Newt kissed Hermann on the forehead. “I’m so sorry, Hermann.”

As he spoke, memories were swimming through his visual mind, slowed down and less frantic than he had ever seen the Drift. Visions of Hermann, in all situations and moods, were prominent until it was all Newton could see. He focused on them, letting them flow over him and surround him, hoping Hermann could see the same in his state.

Hermann’s eyes swam over Newton’s face, and then settled on his neck. He drew in a shuddered breath.

“What happened to you?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Newton said quickly, his hand touching his neck to hide the marks.

“Did I do that?” Hermann asked, and Newton’s memories betrayed him as Hermann saw his own face smiling in cruel triumph, leaving Newton to die.

“Hermann, it wasn’t you, okay? It was them… I couldn’t stop them…”

“Oh God… why didn’t I stop them?”

“You couldn’t. You tried, God, you tried to fight them, but they were in too deep. But you can win this, I swear to you.”

“We’ve… got to sever… the hivemind…”

His voice was getting weaker, and he looked at pain every time he spoke. Newton held him tighter, trying to keep him focused.

“We will, I’ll get you out of there.”

“Only… one… one way… AGH!”

Hermann began to scream, frantically struggling against the restraints. Newt held him tighter, stroking his arm as he tried to calm him.

“No, let me go!” he cried out. “Newt, please, stop them!”

“I will,” Newt said frantically. “Fight them, Hermann, you can do this!”

“No! You’ve got to… agh!” he shook off Newton as he fought those that were trying to seize control again. “You’ve got to kill me before they… oh god… it hurts so much… kill me now!”

“That’s not an option!” Newton said angrily. 

Hermann groaned as he pitched forward in the chair, sweat dripping from his temples and down his back, every muscle tensed in agony.

“It’s the only way… you know it is… Newton… please…”

“I won’t do it,” and tears threatened to fall as Newton put his hands on Hermann’s shaking shoulders. 

“You can bring me back,” Hermann said through gritted teeth.

“And what if I can’t?!” he demanded, his voice now hysterical in tone. “What then? I can’t… I can’t… God, Hermann, please don’t make me…”

“Then don’t,” Hermann said, his voice stronger. He lifted his head and smiled cruelly. “You can’t win this, human.”


	9. I tried to stay still, so it will not see me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann is fighting the demons inside him, and he must win before Newt and Tendo are forced to finish the job for him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh, yes, it's another weepy chapter. Boy, I've really laid it on thick in this story, haven't I? But we're nearly at the end so enjoy(?) it while it lasts and thank you for sticking with it. :)

Immediately, Newton felt his mind fill with that of the Anteverse, of the Precursors and their world. The hivemind swarmed his very thoughts, flooding and consuming all of his mental images. It was like he was being sucked into that first terrifying Drift all over again. It was hideous - an endless structure built just like the kaiju had been; with precision and consideration to make it as brutal as possible. An organic mass that carried on way beyond the horizon of their planet, swarming with the Precursors as they prepared to invade the next world, to destroy and consume until everything lay desolate. It was enough to make Newt scream. 

“Newt! Newt, take off the helmet!” Tendo yelled through the comms system from the control panel, the palm of his hand slamming on the emergency shutdown button. If anything, the Drift was only gaining in strength.

“Maybe we were too hasty in severing you from the hivemind,” the Precursors spoke through Hermann. “You would make a fine puppet.”

“Give… him… back…” Newton gasped. 

“He’ll stay trapped for now. We know you’ll do anything to save him.”

Tendo ran into the Conn-Pod and immediately yanked the helmet from both Hermann and Newton’s heads. Newt collapsed to the ground, shaking all over and tears running down his cheeks. A trickle of blood had fallen out of one nostril and pooled over his lips which he did not try to wipe away. 

“Jesus, Newton, are you okay? Are they in you too?” Tendo rolled Newton’s numb body over so he gazed up at the ceiling with unfocused eyes. Still shaking and unable to speak, he shook his head.

“Not yet,” the Precursors stated. “But we may use him later.”

“And what if we just kill you now?” Tendo yelled. 

“No…” Newton croaked. “He’s still alive.”

“That’s right. And whilst he’s still alive, you will let us live.” And they laughed through Hermann, making his voice sound twisted and grating. Newton shut his eyes, knowing what they said was true. Tendo slammed his hand on the ground in frustration.

“Newt, that’s not him! We need to do what’s needed to stop them!”

“Oh but it is, human. He’s in here, screaming for help, begging us to let him go. But we still need him, and whilst you keep us here, he will continue to suffer.”

“No,” Newton said, some strength returning to his voice. He pushed himself up and crawled over to the chair. “Hermann, come back to me. Now.”

The Precursors continued to laugh.

“Wherever they’ve got you trapped, whatever horrible fantasy they’re forcing you to confront, it’s not real. None of it is real. You helped save the world and you’re going to do it again, because that’s what you’ve always done. You’re an antisocial, short-tempered fusspot with more walls put up than anyone I’ve ever met, and yet you will still dedicate your genius to stopping monsters.”

There was a flicker of life behind those dead eyes. It was barely there long enough for Newton to see it clearly, but it was there all the same.

“And you… God, you fucking keep surprising me, because not only do you build robots, not only do you build LOCCENT and a million other ways to advance artificial intelligence, you then devise a model that will predict the next attack. Whatever those monsters are telling you to keep you trapped, you tell them you saw their weapons and you knew how to stop them.”

 

_Hermann was being punched in the face. Over and over, that same feeling of knuckles striking his cheek, sending him hurtling to the ground, like a record player trying desperately to get past a big scratch, only to jump back every time. This memory was short and blunt, so shocking to Hermann at the time that he had no chance to react. That same loud laughter rattled through his ears as the other boys watched their friend strike the weird German kid who always got the answers right. That stinging in the heels of his palms as they grated against the tarmac of the playground before both knees struck the ground hard. The boys had already ran away before he could even say a word and everyone would think he had fallen again because he was weak and clumsy._

_Except that wasn’t right._

_“This isn’t real,” he said out-loud, picking himself up from the ground, ignoring how much his scraped knees and hands hurt._

_He was punched in the face again, falling to the ground and the sound of laughter only growing louder._

_“The Headmaster Mr White saw the whole thing and screamed at those boys for a solid hour.”_

_Another punch to the face._

_“He then made them stand up in assembly and read a whole speech on why bullying is wrong.”_

_Another punch._

_“This isn’t real!”_

 

Hermann let out an agonising scream, shaking his head furiously as if trying to clear it. Newton curled his fingers around the bound man’s arms, trying to ground him as he struggled back to the surface. For a second Hermann couldn’t remember where he was, and the feeling of ropes around his wrists made him terrified. He struggled uselessly, trying to pull away from Newt’s grip.

“Hermann, I’m here…”

“It hurts… God… they won’t let me go…” Hermann was panting hard, his teeth clench and his whole body twitching from the effort to stay in control.

“Fight it, you’ve got to fight this!”

“I can’t…”

“Yes you can, because… because I can’t live without you.” He struggled to put his shaking hands on Hermann’s shoulders. Hermann nodded sadly, his head bowed. 

“Would this be a bad time… a bad time to…?” he asked, his body now trembling from the effort to stay himself.

“I love you, Hermann,” Newton said automatically. Hermann smiled warmly, accepting the shaky kiss pressed to his temple.

“I love you too. But you know what you have to do.”

“I can’t.”

“They won’t let go otherwise. I can’t stay here for long, and when they come back they’ll do everything to get free.”

“I could just keep you tied up forever. I know you’re a lot kinkier than people think.”

Hermann tried to chuckle, but the tears were falling fast now. 

“I wish I could stay in the Drift with you,” he whispered. 

“God, I wish I could have Drifted with you years ago,” Newton said, wiping his own eyes angrily. “I never knew you until we went in together.”

“Imagine someone trying to convince us we were compatible back then. We would have laughed them out of the country.”

Newton chuckled, and he leaned forward so their foreheads were touching. Hermann breathed in deeply and it felt like they were Drifting once more; the echoes of their time in each other’s heads stronger than ever before. They saw flashes of memories - of their first dreadful meeting, of their heated arguments, of their first kiss all those weeks ago in bed. Newton reached forward and kissed Hermann again, because that couldn’t be their only moment of intimacy. Hermann kissed back weakly, his breathing harsh and unable to even out, but it was better than nothing. Better than never being this close ever again.

Hermann gasped loudly, pulling away suddenly and his body shuddered like he had been dropped into ice-water. He pulled against the ropes around his wrists that were tied to the arms of the chair, as if by freeing himself he would be free of the demons inside him.

“They’re coming back,” he moaned. “They’re going to trap me in another awful memory. I can’t… oh God… I can’t go through it again…”

“Stay with me, please, Hermann,” Newt said weakly, his fingers running through Hermann’s hair. When Hermann moaned weakly, the effort now physically paining him, Newton changed his plea. “Just… just stay as long as you can, okay?”

He nodded miserably. He could feel them starting to claw at his insides once more, scratching at the walls of his brain, like poison running through his veins and consuming him piece by piece. 

“Please kill me,” he choked out.

Newton immediately knew Hermann had been taken over, because his expression had been wiped clean. He was still looking at the ground, but he was smiling.

“We won’t let you anywhere near the machines, so just give up now,” Tendo spoke up before Newt had a chance. He put a hand on the other man’s shoulder to offer his support.

“We can wait. We will wear this body long after it has perished, waiting to reopen the passageway.”

“You need him to do it,” Newton yelled angrily. “And you fucking know that.”

“Perhaps. But with our access, we will store his mind elsewhere. The Hivemind can keep an active brain other than in the body.”

The thought of Hermann’s mind being trapped in the Precursors’ prison for eternity made Newton feel physically sick. This is what he had caused by taking Hermann along when he Drifted with monsters.

He knew what he had to do to stop it, even though he knew he would never forgive himself. 

He reached down to the discarded Pons helmet by his feet and yanked out one of the wires - he had to be careful to select the correct one, to ensure it would do the job properly. Tendo watched him, and squeezed his shoulder in comfort as he realised what he was about to do. 

Before Newt could even reach across, ready to press the wire to his lover’s chest, he felt his body falling to the ground. It took a moment for the agonising pain of having been hit with a chair to fully reach his senses. He saw through bleary eyes Hermann stand up and kick Tendo to the ground, one arm still tied to the chair but using that to break over Tendo’s back. Horrified, Newt saw Tendo was now motionless, either unconscious or dead and he had no idea which.

The Precursors then turned to Newton and kicked him in the chest and stomach more times than Newton could count. He lay on the ground, panting and cursing under his breath. His glasses were now missing but he could make out Hermann picking up the live wire; careful to touch only the insulated coating. He then turned to Newton.

 

_Hermann felt like he was drowning, like he was being pulled under by a current too powerful for him to fight against. His body felt weightless and his mind started to fog. They were pulling him down further than any memory or fear. They wanted him to stay down for long enough so he forgot he was even human. He could feel everything around him turn to black, surrounding him in absolute nothingness. No distractions. No hated, exaggerated memories. He would be forced to live in the very bowels of his own mind where it had yet to be filled._

_He heard someone screaming from far away._

_It was the only thing that made him move again, to try to swim upward towards thoughts and memories and theories and facts and everything else his mind was made of._

_You won’t win this, his own mind screamed at the invaders and he could feel them trying to trap him again - finding his worst memories from the archives and trying to suck him under._

_It hurt so much to fight, and yet it was all he had left._

 

Newton scrambled away from Hermann, his body throbbing and burning in pain from the attack. He found himself in front of Tendo and put his arms out weakly to protect the injured man. Newton couldn’t fight. He never could in all of his sorry life. He could only curl up in a ball and hope it would be over soon. This time though, at least he would be doing everything to protect someone else - the only person in the world who wanted to help him, after everything that had happened. 

Tendo groaned, unable to move but just about conscious to understand what was happening. Newt saw the wire moving towards him and he could only hope it shorted out when it touched him so Tendo had a chance.

Hermann then screamed, falling to his knees as he clutched his head and dropped the wire to the ground. Newton kicked it away from all of them and watched as Hermann returned to himself in the most brutal and painful way. 

“Hermann! Hermann, speak to me!” Newton yelled as best he could, clutching his chest as he crawled over to the other man. 

In an instant, the screaming had stopped and Hermann was smiling in a cruel manner once again. Newton tried to move but the Precursors grabbed his leg and dragged him back. He was turned over roughly so he lay on his back as they picked up the wire.

And then he changed again, clutching his head and collapsing to the ground, so exhausted he was now unable to speak. Newton moved back towards Tendo, needing to protect him more than Hermann when the man was fighting himself and there was no telling what he would do next.

“It’s not use…” Hermann said, panting hard. He looked over at Newton with watery eyes, his body trembling so much he could barely steady himself. 

“I’ll tie you back up, just hold it together for me, okay? We’ll think of another plan.”

Hermann shook his head.

“I’m sorry, Newton.”

Newt knew what he was going to do, and he threw himself at the other man to stop him. He was punched squarely in the jaw and he fell back with a grunt. 

He looked up just in time to see Hermann pressing the wire to his chest. The jolt was enough to send him flying a few feet across the room, and Newton was frozen in terror for a few moments before he half-ran, half-limped to him. 

He turned the still man over, his own hands trembling so much he could barely press them to Hermann’s chest to start CPR. With every single piece of strength he had left, he began to scream for help as he pumped at a steady rhythm.


	10. I've been wicked, I've been arrogant.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt holds a vigil outside Hermann's hospital room, unable to leave him. But will he still love him when he finally wakes up?

_Newton was still pumping Hermann’s chest and screaming when the door opened. Marshall Hansen and two of Tendo’s coworkers looked at the scene in horror - the broken chair, the discarded Pons helmets and the three men all with varying injuries._

_“Get a defibrillator! The crews always had them on standby - there has to be a spare on the base!” Tendo yelled, snapping them out of their shock and one of them ran out quickly._

_“How long has he stopped breathing?” The Marshall asked Newton, kneeling beside him and watching him pump Hermann’s chest with a precise rhythm.._

_“I… I don’t know… two minutes?”_

_“And what happened?”_

_“He was electrocuted… It was… he…”_

_“Okay,” Hansen said evenly, clearly seeing how distressed Newton was. “We’ll do everything to save him. Let me take over while someone checks you over--”_

_“No! I’ve got to do this!” Newton cried. “C’mon Hermann, c’mon man, you can come back… Please… I’m so sorry… I’m sorry…”_

_“Stand back!” one of the techs who worked with Tendo shouted, and he knelt down beside Hermann with the white box that was on the wall outside all of the launch bays. Newt was still applying compressions as the pads were placed on Hermann’s chest._

_“Newt?” Hansen said, touching the man’s arm. “Newton, let them do this.”_

_Newt was finally physically held back, and he had to watch Hermann’s body jolt suddenly. Newt couldn’t stop shaking and he practically threw the man aside so he could continue compressions. Instead, a firm grip wrapped around his upper arm to stop him._

_“It’s okay, Newt, calm down, it’s okay.” Hansen shook Newt roughly to get him to stop._

_“No! I’ve got to do this… he… he said…”_

_“Newt, he’s breathing.”_

 

Tendo had been coming to check on Newton pretty much every hour. For a man with a bruised back and being told repeatedly he should be getting rest, it seemed there was no way of confining him to his bed. He was still using his wheelchair, and the doctors had pulled no punches telling him it would take a lot of physical therapy before he could run laps.

But he was faring a lot better than others. 

“Hey,” Tendo said gently, passing Newton a cup of coffee before parking his ‘sweetass ride’ next to him. “Any word?”

Newton shook his head, eyes now glazed over from staring at the same spot for too long. He had set himself down on the floor outside the infirmary days ago, barely giving anyone a chance to look him over before starting his vigil. They wouldn’t let him in to see Hermann, and so he would wait for however long it took until they let him know if he was okay.

“So I finally found the programme he - I mean, the Precursors - had installed in the monitoring system. Easy enough to shut down, but I’ve got to say, it was impressive. I’m pretty sure Hermann could take over the world using a ZX Spectrum and a potato gun if he wanted to.”

Newton didn’t react apart from a weak nod. It was hard to tell he was even listening.

“You need sleep,” Tendo said, shoving Newt in the shoulder to get his attention.

“I’m fine,” Newt mumbled in return.

“You need a decent meal.”

“Not hungry.”

“Well, you definitely need a shower.”

Newton finally broke his gaze and Tendo saw him trying to focus on him. He looked pale and jittery and his eyes were red from a mixture of exhaustion and crying. Still, he tried a weak smile, but in his current state it looked terribly sad.

“I just need to know he’s okay.”

“He’s alive, and that’s what matters. You saved him.”

Newt shook his head, seemingly furious with himself over what happened. 

“They’re going to send me back,” he said finally. 

“Not with me to vouch for what happened. And when Hermann wakes up, he’ll tell his story too.”

“They _should_ send me back.”

Newton ran a shaking hand through his hair, knocking his glasses askew in the process. Tendo put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently. He would keep telling Newton the same reassurances over and over until they came true.

“Dr Geiszler.”

Newton looked up immediately and saw the Marshall standing over them. 

“Please come with me.”

Tendo immediately began to speak to plead Newton’s case. 

“Sir, it’s just how I explained, it’s not how it looks--”

Marshall Hansen put up a hand and Tendo quietened. “Newton, please can you come with me?”

Tendo gave Newton’s shoulder one more squeeze before Newton was ushered down the corridor quickly.

He imagined the Marshall would take him down to the main entrance where a vehicle was waiting for him - either to take him to prison or a mental asylum once more. Whichever the Marshall thought was suitable. He was so preoccupied with the thought that he didn’t notice he was being taken to Hansen’s office. The last time Newt had been in that room was on Marshall Pentecost's orders; probably to be told to reign in his behaviour so as not to drive the rest of the base insane. 

“Sit down, Newton.”

He took a seat quickly and Hansen grabbed another chair and dragged it over so he was sitting close (but not too close) in front of the shaking scientist. 

“Now, I need to know what happened. All of it.”

“I, uh… I don’t know what… I mean… I can’t…”

“Newton, please look at me.”

He raised his head just enough so he was looking at Hansen’s chest.

“Mr Choi has told me the parts he knows, and the recordings from the Conn-Pod simulator told me some more. But I need to hear it from the beginning and your side of the story. Otherwise, I won’t have anything to explain to my superiors who are currently snapping at my heels to find out what happened, and sadly they can make their own conclusions very easily. If there was an alien invasion following the Breach collapsing, I want to know all about it.”

Newton finally met Hansen’s eyes, who looked grave but there was comfort in his expression.

“You won’t lock me away?”

“I’ll do my very best.”

“Why?”

He didn’t mean to ask, but there were very few people who would trust what he had to say, and even fewer he was willing to trust. .

“Because I’m not in the business of passing judgement on people until I know the facts.”

Newt sighed heavily, wiping his face and then nervously cleaning his glasses on the hem of his shirt. Then he began to talk.

 

Hermann was told he had been involved in an accident. He could see the burn mark on his chest, the rope burns around his wrists and the several bruises from what looked like someone fighting him, but it was all a mystery to him. He had to be monitored constantly, because he had been technically dead and now they needed to assess the damage it had caused. 

He felt like he had fallen asleep and woken up back in the hospital he had spent a long and painful three months in following his accident. That had been crowded - full of people who had also been hurt during the kaiju attack. He spent the first week on an uncomfortable gurney, waiting his turn in the operating theatre to remove the debris from his leg. This place was so quiet in comparison and he thought he might go mad if he didn’t see someone other than a doctor or nurse soon.

Finally Tendo came to see him, but that only caused more questions.

“What happened to you?” Hermann asked in horror as Tendo wheeled himself into the room, cursing loudly at the doors that seemed impossible to keep open long enough to get through.

“Oh you like my ride?” Tendo asked with a grin. “I’m gonna ask if I can get a custom paint job, maybe new rims. Of course I’ve already tuned it up--”

“Were you injured in the same accident as me?” Hermann interrupted. 

“Sort of. What do you remember?”

“But… you weren’t with me, were you?” he asked in confusion. “Did the Marshall send you to find us?”

Tendo tried to piece together what he said, and if he made any sense in the context of what had happened. 

“What’s the last thing you remember?” he asked evenly.

“I, um…” Hermann tried to think, even so much as massaging his temples in an effort to concentrate. “The Marshall asked me to go find Dr Geiszler at the specimen site. Then… ah! Yes, Newton was about to initiate another Drift with the infant kaiju brain, and I offered to go with him. My theory needed to be proven, you see, and the only way to find out what they had planned was to see into their minds.”

_That’s what the Jaeger pilots do; share the neural load._

He heard his own voice as the memory came back to him, and then he remembered his other motive. He was also trying to stop Newton from killing himself, especially after he had found him. If that man had died, he wasn’t sure he would be able to forgive himself.

“And that’s the last thing you remember?” Tendo asked. The worry on his face was concerning to Hermann.

“Yes. We mind-melded with the creature and I… I suppose I must have got hurt from the equipment? That Pons system was so old and Newton threw it together in a few hours. The idiot,” he finished as an afterthought.

Tendo continued to look at him in trepidation. 

“What? What’s wrong?”

“It’s just… it’s been a long time since that day, Hermann. Months, even.”

“Good Lord, I’ve been asleep all this time?”

Tendo shook his head nervously. 

 

Newton was rubbing his arms to the point of leaving red marks as he waited for Tendo to come out of the infirmary. He had wanted to go in with him, but the Dr Lin said Hermann was very confused and it may be best to ease him into what had happened gently. Tendo was his oldest friend and they thought he might make the best person for Hermann to interact with to start with.

When the door finally opened, he shot right up to his feet and practically dragged Tendo’s wheelchair towards him.

“How is he?”

“He’s okay, he’s just weak right now. And, uh…” Tendo bit his lip in an effort to stall what he had to say. “He can’t remember anything that happened.”

“What?”

“Since you two Drifted with that kaiju brain, anyway. He didn’t even know the war was over.”

“Oh no…” Newt said quietly. His expression was grave for a while, but just as Tendo reached across to give him some comfort, he looked up at him excitedly. “But that means he doesn’t remember what they did to him. That’s good.”

“Yeah, that’s real good, man,” Tendo sighed. “But he doesn’t know what happened between you two…”

Newt shrugged unhappily. “But he’s alive. Right now, that’s all that matters.”

“Yeah. You should go see him. I’m sure he’ll want to know how you helped him.”

“Uh…” and Newt, having looked so determined for days to see Hermann, now looked utterly terrified. “No, that’s okay.”

Tendo opened his mouth to ask him why, but Newt just started walking away.

 

Hermann was doing his best to piece together what had happened during the months between Operation Pitfall and when he had woken up in the hospital. It was hard to realise that the mission had been successful, and also that Marshall Pentecost and the younger Hansen were gone. He was usually there at LOCCENT during missions, working as Tendo’s second in command, so he would know exactly what had happened. He was told he had been there, but now that that part of his life was blank, he was struggling with the facts.

Tendo was visiting him regularly, always with a chipper disposition but unwilling to answer Hermann’s questions properly. He had so many, and Tendo was struggling to explain what had happened - especially when every answer only confused the man further.

“I don’t understand,” Hermann said one day, now at the point where he could walk around his room, although with an even more prominent limp than usual. “How were the Precursors inside my mind for such a long time without detection? Did I fight their influence?”

“You tried,” Tendo said with a sigh. “Sometimes you were completely yourself, and other times it was like… it was like someone was doing a bad impression of you.”

“How did I fight them, though?”

Tendo made an expression of extreme discomfort. “I’m not sure, to be honest. But Newt helped you as much as he could.”

“Newton?” Hermann said in disbelief. “Why?”

“Because… believe it or not, you two were friends. And he was the one who figured out what was wrong with you. But… ah…”

“But what?” he demanded.

“Look,” Tendo said desperately, “I think you should be talking to him about it. It’s not my place to say.”

“Well, where is he then?” he asked incredulously. 

And Tendo sighed quietly, because that was one question he really didn’t want to answer.

“I’ll ask him to come see you.”

 

“Just go see him,” Tendo said yet again, watching Newton hastily packing his side of the lab.

“He doesn’t want to see me,” Newt replied simply, having said it so many times it now sounded hollow. 

“You don’t know that. C’mon man, he’s confused and just wants to know what happened to him. You can help.”

“I’m not going to help him.”

“Yes you are!” Tendo said in frustration. “Right now you’re the only one who can.”

“If he’s the Hermann before we Drifted then he most definitely won’t want to see me. In fact, he won’t believe anything I tell him anyway.”

“But if you just explain to him--”

“Tendo, _I can’t_ ,” Newt snapped, so suddenly even he was surprised by his volume. He lowered his voice as he said, “I can’t see him because he’s not my Hermann and he won’t want to be with me. I… I did everything to help him and we saved him and that’s great, but if he doesn’t remember what happened between us, then I won’t pretend we’re assholes to each other like we always were.”

Tendo watched Newt throw a few more of his possessions into a box for a while before he spoke again.

“He’s still your Hermann. He just needs to be reminded of what happened. You think you guys just suddenly fell in love because you Drifted? It doesn’t work like that.” Newt didn’t answer, and walked towards his desk, still covered in his personal belongings. Tendo followed, although he was careful to give him space. “All the Drift does is tell you things about someone else, and remind you what you forgot about yourself. It doesn’t change people completely. You only knew Hermann as this stuffy, uptight asshole because that was the only part of him he would let you see. He’s always been the person you fell in love with.”

Newt kept his back to Tendo, and after it became clear he wasn’t going to acknowledge his presence, Tendo made his way out of the lab.

 

Hermann had finally been given permission to leave the infirmary and whilst he was eager to finally be away from the loneliness and boredom that came with a hospital bed, he was still nervous at the prospect of returning to work. He was told he had a job waiting for him to work with Tendo to monitor any potential alien threats (which was reassuring when his job had effectively ended when the Breach had closed) but he was still hazy over the details of what had happened since the alien Drift. He had the basic facts of his possessed state, but there were so many gaps to fill. 

And unfortunately, the answers he needed came from someone who hadn’t even bothered to visit him once. Hermann knew Newt and him weren’t friends, but given what Tendo had told him, they seemed to have become at least civil to one-another. He thought Newt would possess just the smallest amount of compassion in him to see how he was doing following a near-death experience. 

Hermann found Newt in their lab, his side now almost bare aside from stacks of various-sized boxes. Newt was sorting through what looked like the contents of his desk-drawers, opting to throw out most of his possessions instead of keep them. 

“Hello, Newton.”

Newt spun around like a kaiju had just said his name instead of his labmate. 

“Oh, hey, Hermann. How are you?”

“Good.” He nearly stopped himself from speaking his mind, but then he added, “Thank you for visiting me, by the way. You are clearly as thoughtful as ever.”

Hermann noticed Newton looked actually pained by what was a rather mild quip, given their history of throwing insults back and forth in place of actual conversation.

“Well, uh, I’ll be out of your hair tomorrow. Just gotta get this all packed away.”

“Oh?”

Newton shrugged. “Yeah, I just, uh, I accepted a job back at MIT. Guest lecturing. Just until I figure out what I want to do.”

“I was hoping you would stay long enough to help me,” Hermann said, irritated. “I still don’t know precisely what happened to me and apparently you know better than anyone.”

“Oh… sorry,” Newt said, and he started to rub his arm nervously. “Look, it’s probably better you don’t know. It was… it was brutal.”

“Is that how you got those marks on your neck?”

Newt put a hand to his neck and rubbed it a little. “Yeah.”

Hermann then saw the fear on Newt’s face, and realised what he had just said.

“Did I do that?”

“Not you,” Newt said quickly. “It was when you were possessed. I figured out what was happening to you and they… well, they tried to…”

Hermann swallowed thickly and both men averted their gazes from each other, not about to confront the sudden awkwardness. 

“And… Tendo? Did I do that to him too?”

“Look, it’s not good to ask these questions. I’m glad you don’t remember what happened.”

“Well I’m not,” Hermann said furiously. “I’ve lost a significant amount of time and I’d like it back, however awful it was. I thought, despite what you think of me, that you’d want to stay long enough to help me.”

“It’s not like that,” Newt shot back. “You went through something horrific and this way, you won’t have nightmares for the rest of your fucking life. That’s a good thing.”

“Let me decide that for myself, Newton.” Hermann said softly. “Please.”

Newton suddenly realised he was holding one of his old collectable action figures and started turning it over and over in his hands. He concentrated it on rather than addressing Hermann; just having to tell himself enough times that this was what Hermann wanted before he finally spoke up.

“Okay, uh, what do you want to know?”

“Actually,” Hermann said stiffly, “I was hoping you would show me.”

 

With Hermann’s assistance, they got the Pons system Newt had commandeered for his kaiju-Drift experient back up to code. Hermann tutted loudly at several of Newton’s short-cuts and botched jobs, explaining in painfully long detail why it was lucky both of them hadn’t died at its hands. Newt was oddly quiet during these scoldings. 

He tried to talk Hermann out of it just one last time, right before Hermann set the programme up and reached down to pick up the Pons helmet.

“I don’t think you’re going to like what you see in there, Hermann,” he said honestly.

Hermann ignored him, fitting the cap onto his head with a lot more courage than his first time Drifting with Newton. This time, it was for his discovery and nothing Newton would say would stop this.

“Initiating Neural Handshake in three… two… one…”

Hermann gasped as he felt like he was being sucked down a very small opening and spat out the other end; like he had been forced through with extraordinary pressure that should have surely crushed his entire body. He must have forgotten what the feeling was like because the whole experience made him want to vomit.

Images started to blur past him at a maddening speed. He tried to focus on them and as he did, they seemed to slow down and come into focus. He could see both his and Newt’s memories, mainly jumbled up so the images seemed to layer over one-another. There were his usual childhood memories (some good, most bad), his work at university, his job at the PPDC, and his endless years working alongside the annoying man he was currently sharing a brain with.

_He saw himself sitting with Newt in a restaurant, laughing at something either of them had said._

_He saw the alien world, swarming and glowing and deadly, as he screamed for help._

_He saw Newton’s arms around him as he hugged him back tightly, feeling like something had tried to claw its way out of his head._

_He saw people trying to talk to him as he carried on his precious calculations during dinner._

_He saw the monsters surrounding him, trying to drown him, doing their very best to silence him._

_He saw Newton hanging from that rope, struggling desperately to breathe._

_He saw Tendo punching him squarely in the jaw._

_He saw Newton reaching across to kiss him, possibly for the last time._

Hermann wasn’t sure when he reached across to hold Newt’s hand, but when the Drift ended, he was holding it so tightly Newt’s knuckles had turned white. 

“Are you okay?” Newt asked softly.

Hermann nodded, feeling more numb than anything. They pulled off their caps slowly, Hermann still refusing to let go of his labmate’s hand, because he didn’t want to lose the Drift connection just yet. Not when there was so much to talk about.

“I tried to kill you.”

“I told you - it wasn’t you.”

“I got you locked away. And… and all you wanted… you…”

His voice failed him. Hermann felt those same arms from his Drift memory surround him and take his weight. He tried to hold himself together but it was all too much to take in. Everything that had happened to him and what he had done to others was still swirling in his minds eye, like ghosts surrounding him, forcing him to him count his sins out. 

“I’m so weak,” he spluttered between sobs. 

“No you’re not!” Newton said fiercely. “Don’t you dare say that, Hermann. You fought them even when they tortured you and tried to destroy you. And you won. You fought monsters and you won.”

At some point, they both sank to the ground, clutching each other tightly as Newt’s thoughts of comfort eased Hermann’s aching mind. Newt focused on their good times together - their drunken night after Operation Pitfall, their sleepovers, their ‘non-dates’, all of the times Hermann was completely himself, even if he was still rolling his eyes and tutting at Newton. Hermann found himself chuckling at jokes between them he had forgotten; his face burning at lost moments of close intimacy; his thoughts easing as they laid in bed together. His mind calmed as the images of monsters were replaced with those of happiness from a source he was still coming to grips with.

“You love me,” Hermann said, finally lifting his head from Newt’s shoulder.

“Yeah.” It wasn’t a question, but Newton felt it deserved an answer. “You do too. I mean, you did, anyway…”

Hermann thought he should give himself more time to process everything he had discovered, but for once he felt action would be greater than anything he could ever calculate. He kissed Newton, instantly loving the feeling and wondering why it took them so damn long to decide to do it. 

Newton was taken aback, but within seconds he was returning the action, relief so strong he knew Hermann could feel it. With their minds still Ghosting, Newton reintroduced Hermann to their feeling of completeness when they were together. They spent nearly an hour holding each other, remembering what they had been fighting for amongst all the horrors.

“‘Told you you wouldn’t like what you saw in the Drift,” Newt said, unable to stop himself.

Hermann chuckled and reached across for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh it's finally finished! Thank you so much to everyone for reading it and especially all the very verbal comments! ^^ One thing writing this fic has done has made me fall for Hermann even more so than before, so now I just want to write him all the time! (Next time him saving Newt, huh huh??) Thank you again and it you liked it please leave a comment so I can shower you with love. <3 <3 <3


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